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[Disclaimer: I hate today so much. I know what you're thinking, "but Stace, you lie all the time in your posts," well smart guy, I know that, but I'm good at it. Today is the one day a year where unfunny people try to dip into the satire market and it's the worst. There's no point to bother reading anything on the internet today, which is why I'm mad that I'm writing this. I would have liked to write a post where I make up lies about Joe Sakic but since it's April Fools, what's the point?
We don't write about stats here at Battle of California because it's boring and literally anyone can do it. Not everyone can write comedy/satire, so just, please don't try because you're terrible.]
Oh boy, he's done it again. Steven, Steven, Steven.
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p>WAIT A SECOND.. <a href="http://t.co/fOEkRrNDLn">pic.twitter.com/fOEkRrNDLn</a></p>— Kyle M (@KyleWIIM) <a href="https://twitter.com/KyleWIIM/status/583097858536050688">April 1, 2015</a></blockquote>
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If you recall, Steve Simmons is a MSM dude who writes for the Toronto Sun. He's famous amongst us twitter folks because of this:
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p>Good thing the Leafs don't play in the CHL. The CORSI hockey league. They're doing just fine in NHL, though.</p>— steve simmons (@simmonssteve) <a href="https://twitter.com/simmonssteve/status/395375707821309952">October 30, 2013</a></blockquote>
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And this,
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p>.<a href="https://twitter.com/simmonssteve">@simmonssteve</a> who are you and why are you talking to me?</p>— Jose Bautista (@JoeyBats19) <a href="https://twitter.com/JoeyBats19/status/517179902215585792">October 1, 2014</a></blockquote>
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Oh and lastly, tweeting out, instead of DMing, his phone number.
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p>if you're worried about your DMs to steve simmons being made public, you can just phone him instead <a href="http://t.co/5K0twfYKfT">pic.twitter.com/5K0twfYKfT</a></p>— Bread Frathwaite (@bookofloob) <a href="https://twitter.com/bookofloob/status/583103827865313280">April 1, 2015</a></blockquote>
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And those four things are literally everything I know about him, because who gives a shit. Anyway, everyone was on point last night, so here are the best tweets:
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p>"<a href="https://twitter.com/simmonssteve">@simmonssteve</a>: Apologies for DMs that somehow wound up not being DMed" Steve text me so we can continue chatting. </p>— Mike FAIL (@mikeFAIL) <a href="https://twitter.com/mikeFAIL/status/583099175681683456">April 1, 2015</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p>Don't stop <a href="https://twitter.com/simmonssteve">@simmonssteve</a> I was almost there</p>— Jonny Hockey (@YakovMironov) <a href="https://twitter.com/YakovMironov/status/583099474832031744">April 1, 2015</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-conversation="none" lang="en"><p><a href="https://twitter.com/bookofloob">@bookofloob</a> ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ <a href="http://t.co/TG6ycosK0w">pic.twitter.com/TG6ycosK0w</a></p>— ¯\_( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_/¯ (@Whoabot) <a href="https://twitter.com/Whoabot/status/583107416868417536">April 1, 2015</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p>Not much just doing the helicopter motion with my wiener. You?</p>— Jeanshorts (@JSBMjeanshorts) <a href="https://twitter.com/JSBMjeanshorts/status/583107862760714241">April 1, 2015</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p>I'm pretty sure Steve Simmons was talking to SmarterChild</p>— SC (@stace_ofbase) <a href="https://twitter.com/stace_ofbase/status/583099377377411074">April 1, 2015</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p>Steve Simmons 69ing with two jars of mayonnaise</p>— Jonny Hockey (@YakovMironov) <a href="https://twitter.com/YakovMironov/status/583107034297430016">April 1, 2015</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p>Won't get around to it tonight but gonna start photoshopping pictures of Steve Simmons so he's always holding two jars of mayonnaise</p>— Jonny Hockey (@YakovMironov) <a href="https://twitter.com/YakovMironov/status/583109496072884225">April 1, 2015</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-conversation="none" lang="en"><p><a href="https://twitter.com/YakovMironov">@YakovMironov</a> <a href="http://t.co/DRCDhRDSZ6">pic.twitter.com/DRCDhRDSZ6</a></p>— Bread Frathwaite (@bookofloob) <a href="https://twitter.com/bookofloob/status/583112747165949953">April 1, 2015</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p>i made a vine for steve simmons on this night because i am awful <a href="https://t.co/bFf8KOFsVy">https://t.co/bFf8KOFsVy</a></p>— ¯\_( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_/¯ (@Whoabot) <a href="https://twitter.com/Whoabot/status/583142501399334912">April 1, 2015</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p>Good thing Steve Simmons doesn't play in the DMHL</p>— Kyle M (@KyleWIIM) <a href="https://twitter.com/KyleWIIM/status/583105646150598657">April 1, 2015</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p>it's going to keep me awake trying to fathom a female human person deciding "I should flirt with Steve Simmons"</p>— Anthrax Jones (@AnthraxJones) <a href="https://twitter.com/AnthraxJones/status/583111942832844800">April 1, 2015</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p>/steve simmons blink 182 voice/ ♫ BENEFITS, LADY FRIENDS (I'M TWEETING THIS) ♫ A GOOD OUTLET I WOULDN'T KNOW (I'M TWEETING THIS)</p>— ¯\_( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_/¯ (@Whoabot) <a href="https://twitter.com/Whoabot/status/583115405549441024">April 1, 2015</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p>is this true <a href="https://twitter.com/simmonssteve">@simmonssteve</a> <a href="http://t.co/KX52Q2NicF">pic.twitter.com/KX52Q2NicF</a></p>— Mike FAIL (@mikeFAIL) <a href="https://twitter.com/mikeFAIL/status/583111727161610240">April 1, 2015</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p>Steve Simmons and Adrian Dater should DM each other.</p>— Jocelyn Aspa (@jocelynaspa) <a href="https://twitter.com/jocelynaspa/status/583106432414842880">April 1, 2015</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p>It is entirely possible Steve Simmons was DMing with somebody who doesn't think he's being a creep. Also possible he's DMing w/<a href="https://twitter.com/WonderBread">@wonderbread</a></p>— J.J. Dastardly (@JJfromKansas) <a href="https://twitter.com/JJfromKansas/status/583109233769463808">April 1, 2015</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p>Her 2: The Steve Simmons Story Act I, Scene I: [operating system jumps into full bathtub] *credits*</p>— SC (@stace_ofbase) <a href="https://twitter.com/stace_ofbase/status/583100132423393282">April 1, 2015</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p>Steve Simmons thinking he's sliding into your DMs like <a href="http://t.co/vFDBbJlczk">pic.twitter.com/vFDBbJlczk</a></p>— Jocelyn Aspa (@jocelynaspa) <a href="https://twitter.com/jocelynaspa/status/583099813043941376">April 1, 2015</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p>Steve Simmons was having a conversation with <a href="https://twitter.com/stace_ofbase">@stace_ofbase</a> about Golden Girls.</p>— J.J. Dastardly (@JJfromKansas) <a href="https://twitter.com/JJfromKansas/status/583099634509176832">April 1, 2015</a></blockquote>
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nooooooooooooooooo
Good work, everyone, way to actually contribute to something funny on April Fools Day. And Steve, it's okay buddy, you'll figure out how to work those DMs one day.
Gameday!
San Jose Sharks vs. Colorado Avalanche
7:30pm PST
Sad Asshole Patrol Center
NBC-SN
Prediction:
The elusive Sharks-Avalanche rivalry is reignited as both teams fight over who Teemu Selanne was more worthless for.
Setting the Tone:
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Tweet of the Day:
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p> Brad Stuart defending, Reto Berra in goal, </p>— Anthrax Jones (@AnthraxJones) <a href="https://twitter.com/AnthraxJones/status/575484941200269312">March 11, 2015</a></blockquote>
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This is happening again tonight!
Awful Hockey Tattoo of the Day:
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