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Who's left?

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Displaced royalty left all over the damn place

Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

Oh boy the 2015 playoffs! Fuck that shit.


I guess if you have to have a rooting interest since the Kings are out, it's far easier to root for former Kings then trying to root for new assholes you still hate. Like Nashville? Too bad. They got Mike Ribeiro. Chicago? Danny Carbomb Carcillo. Minnesota, St. Louis, or Anaheim? Just chop your head in half like it's a honeydew melon and be done with it. Rooting for individuals is far easier too. Aside from goalies, most players are only on the ice for a minute at a time anyways. You wind up with a whole lot of free time to do other things, like videotaping your neighbors.

So which team harbors overthrown monarchs like they are a displaced despot? The rundown:

Vancouver Canucks

Linden Vey: Part of the trio of Manchester recalls last year that also included Tanner Pearson and Tyler Toffoli. Toffoli proved last year he had knack for scoring at the NHL level, and Pearson stuck in the lineup and was integral in the 2014 Cup run. Linden Vey...had a pun-able last name. The Kings traded him for a draft pick, and kept his buddies away from him. Vey pretty much was the kid that got held back a year in elementary school, and had to move out of shame.

Brad Richardson: Richardson came over from the Avalanche when the Kings were in full on "fucking awful" mode. Richardson was really committed to that style for a while, but slowly turned things around. He was a lot of fun to watch 4v4 with Wayne Simmonds. Richardson was part of the first Cup championship, though I don't recall him doing much. He also thought he was way hotter than he was.

Pittsburgh Penguins

Rob Scuderi: Scuds is older and more broken down then my dad's Nissan 300ZX at this point. His legends night at the Staples Center will probably feature the pane of glass where he got boarded in game six in the 2012 finals. I'm sure he will love that, say four words, and then leave.

New York Islanders

Lubomir Visnovsky: I know Lubo is way over the hill, but god dammit, I am 100% okay with the Kings giving him a one year deal so that he could come back for one more season. And it's not like Teemu Selanne's situation either because Lubo is actually loveable and never ate my pubes. I still think Visnovsky deserved the Norris in 2006, and he deserved a lot more than going to Edmonton, Anaheim, and Long Island for their crap years. Come back you silly little elf man.

Thomas Hickey: Who gives a shit about this dork? Bring back Lubo.

Detroit Red Wings

Kyle Quincey: I may have been the only disappointed Kings fan when Quincey was part of the deal to bring in that douchebag leaky wiener Ryan Smyth. And in the long run I was right because I saw Smyth for what he was. God, what an ass-crack troll Smyth was. Quincey wasn't bad as a third pairing guy. Seriously, fuck Smyth though, I cannot stress that enough.

Chicago Blackhawks

Gorilla Salad: Let's just move on.

Washington Capitals

Tim Gleason: He sort of got the Kings Jeff Carter?

Winnipeg Jets

Keaton Ellerby: He sucked and then he died.

Montreal Canadiens

Mike Weaver: Uhhhhhh

Davis Drewiske: Won a Cup in 2012. Very pretty.

Nashville Predators

Joe Piskula: An unforgettable five games under the crown. Still four more games than he's had as a Predator.

Tampa Bay Lightning

Brian Boyle: Boyle was a lumbering fat ass who handled his stick like it was his cock under fifty flaps of gut-lard. As soon as he left the Kings he became a solid two-way center with a decent set of hands. So it goes.

Anaheim Ducks

Jason LaBarbera: Ah yes. Part of the dynamic duo of the LaBarbera/Garon years. Excuse me while I watch his highlights as a King and gouge my eyes out with a sharpened dildo.

St. Louis Blues

Colin Fraser: The greatest thing Ryan Smyth ever contributed to Los Angeles.

Olli Jokinen: Somehow a worse center then Colin Fraser.

Calgary Flames/Ottawa Senators

The Flames and Senators aren't involved with the Kings in any way, which totally explains why their fancy numbers suck shit and yet they made the playoffs despite this. The perfect anti-Kings.

New York Rangers

Dan Girardi: Okay, yeah, he's not technically a former Kings player, but without his inspiring play in the finals last season the series could have gone a lot longer potentially. Girardi had a beautiful set up for Mike Richards to spring Justin Williams in game one in overtime, letting the Kings take the early series lead. Dan will always live in the hearts of Kings fans everywhere.

Minnesota Wild

Devan Dubnyk looks like Theodore from Alvin and the Chipmunks went and had sex with one of the radioactive hillbillies from The Hills Have Eyes.

Fuck Minnesota.

Prediction: Oh yeah I don't have to do these now.