clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Studly Series

New, 9 comments

How the series rank according to studly guys

"Girl, my driving isn't the only thing that's fast and furious"
"Girl, my driving isn't the only thing that's fast and furious"
Frazer Harrison/Getty Images
The first round of the 2015 Stanley Cup Playoffs are coming to a close. There has been close, tightly fought series. There have been snoozers. And while I could break this down the old fashioned way of "this player did well!" and "this goalie gargles balls!" that's really been over done. I could also give you my predictions, but given my first round picks, well, uh, let's just skip over those.

Instead, I'm going to go about breaking down the series using something everybody loves: Studly action movie stars!

New York Islanders vs Washington Capitals

Vin Diesel

vin v2

There are few humans that explode as much shit as Vin Diesel does. He exudes studliness. In cars, when blind, or as a government spy in a movie who's title you may mistake for a porno. It's even more impressive when you realize Vin Diesel in a magical pork chop sent from the heavens to bless us with movies with crazy-ass plots.

And this series was the perfect embodiment of the balls-to-the-walls success Vin Diesel's career has been. Sure, you may not understand why you are invested in a team in D.C. and on Long Island, but damn this series was entertaining as hell. Overtimes! Huge hits! Game 7s! Potential game 8s! It doesn't make sense but that doesn't matter.

And yet it had heart. When you stripped it down, the Islanders were a team struggling to get back to their dynasty years after eras of mismanagement, with a final stint at their shit hole arena. The Capitals...are a crappy playoff team. But it got you to care. Vin, despite being an angelic chunk of protein, got you to love Groot, was great in two minutes of Saving Private Ryan and made you cry at the end of The Iron Giant. Wait, was that just me? Shit.

Nashville Predators vs Chicago Blackhawks

Liam Hemsworth


Don't confuse this Hemsworth with the other Hemsworth. You are thinking of Chris. This is Liam. He's kind of if you took Chris Hemsworth and made him Jim from The Office. Chris is basically Super-Hunk McCash. He's Thor. He drives racecars. He's Captain Kirk's dad. Liam meanwhile is in the hungry games as one of two guys who can't figure out what to eat while Jennifer Lawrence plays archery.

[Note: I have no idea what the Hunger Games is about]

The Blackhawks are a good team that can give you an exciting series, but you know what you're going to get with them. The Predators are different because they never win, but are also bland as fuck. Somehow, this series had back and forth scoring, long overtimes, and I still watched it thinking, "meh". It was a series that is trying damned hard to be exciting, but the whole time you really knew how it was going to go and it made you indifferent. A better Nashville team maybe changes this from Liam to Chris, but alas. Liam is going to be in Independence Day 2 after all while Chris is in another Vacation movie.

Detroit Red Wings vs Tampa Bay Lightning

Matt Damon

matt damon

Somehow, he came away after Good Will Hunting as the big movie star while Ben Affleck went on to be a not entirely terrible director. And somehow Affleck's roles still overshadowed Damon's. Then every movie he was in had bigger names that pushed him to the fringes. I'll probably be in the minority, but I liked the Bourne series of movies, and Matt Damon was a surprisingly good ass kicker. It caught me off guard because he looks like a block headed dweeb with too much meat on his face. Unfortunately, every movie of his lately that I can think of sucks and is stupid.

The Red Wings and Lightning got overlooked a lot earlier on because, and let's be real, no one gives a shit about Tampa Bay and we all hate the Red Wings. It was a shame because the early portion of the series was extremely tight and was full of way more brawls than most anyone expected. Then when it was the late part of the series and had our attention it sucked and was stupid.

Pavel Datsyuk is We Bought a Zoo because he looks like he has a mandrill's face.

Anaheim Ducks vs Winnipeg Jets

Christian Bale


For the sake of this comparison we are going to disregard Bale's more dramatic work and stick with his action roles. Now then...Bale is a total asshole. It is well documented. But he is also Batman. Well, Batman the most aside from Adam West, which is a very different type of Batman. You can't help but get excited for Batman. Except Christian Bale is an asshole. You then also find the bad guys to be way more entertaining (at least the Joker and Bane). He also fought dragons in another movie, which also quickly over take Bale in likability despite being the antagonists.

The Jets had everything in their favor going into the playoffs. A new team. Small market. A detestable opponent. And they pissed it all away. How do you get everyone to get on Anaheim's side? You morons ruined everything. Ryan Kesler was pretty much the good guy. That's unforgivable. I hope a dragon eats you.

Pittsburgh Penguins vs New York Rangers

Brendan Fraser

what the shit?

Quick note: I have no idea why the search for Brendan Fraser returned this picture of Michelle Obama smelling a tree. But it did. So there ya go.

Brendan Fraser was a guy that just never seemed to pan out. For every occasion he looked like he was bound to really hit it big, he had a Dudley Do-Right or a Monkeybone. Sure, he had The Mummy series, but those movies' main dangers were tiny beetles, and yetis who knew the rules of American football. That series feels like it was forced onto the public like everyone knew and loved it. Now it has a ride at Universal Studios and is featured heavily there, even though you could argue the Bourne series deserved more attention. I am really upset about this, clearly.

NBC tried really hard to make the Penguins and Rangers series big. It could have been. Crosby vs Lundqvist! Malkin vs Nash! But it never really got entertaining despite everything it had going for it. Maybe it's the injuries and lack of depth the Penguins had. Or the fact the Rangers aren't a very marketable team despite being based in Manhattan.

The silver lining was it provided the Rock with a foothold into acting regularly, so maybe the Rangers/Caps series will be more The Scorpion King and less Looney Toons Back in Action.

Montreal Canadiens vs Ottawa Senators

Bruce J. Mitchell


The Canadiens are a team that are only decent thanks to their goaltender. The Senators only made the playoffs because they rode an unknown goalie who was on a hot streak down the stretch. The Final Sacrifice only got made because Canada is desperate for entertainment. Bruce J. Mitchell was the hero of this movie, known as Zap Rowsdower!, the saddest name for a hero ever.

He's an alcohol drenched, borderline homeless, shotgun wielding, mullet enthusiast. If there was ever a more Canadian action hero, I have yet to see them. Mitchell never really escaped Rowsdower!, and the whole movie is really just a sad mess of Canadian "ingenuity". But you can't help but watch and hope something terrible befalls everyone involved. See where I am going with this?

I'd suggest watching the Mystery Science Theater episode featuring Rowsdower!

Minnesota Wild vs St. Louis Blues

Shia Lebouf

Bad beef

There are few people more oppressive to the senses than Shia Lebouf. Someone decided The Beef would be good in an action movie. Teaming him with Michael Bay, and letting him feel up Megan Fox should be classified as a war crime. Thankfully we got two movies of this, before Shia got to work with a girl even further out of his league. Shia then got replaced by a poor man's Matt Damon, with Mark Wahlberg.

Lebouf is obnoxious, arrogant, and provides absolutely nothing to society. Actually, this sounds a bit like myself. At least I don't have a rat-tail.

Oh yeah, and St. Louis and Minnesota are latrine pits of humanity. Were Lebouf's movies any good? I avoided them like the plague (something common in St. Louis) because of him solely. Was this series any good? I don't know that either because I don't want to see Steve Ott lick Matt Cooke's ears.

Shia Lebouf makes Indiana Jones entirely unwatchable. St. Louis and Minnesota make playoff hockey unwatchable. You may as well get shots in the eye like you are Marlene in those anti-smoking commercials rather than watch the most insecure fanbase in hockey face off against the fanbase where being held back a few years in grade school is a prerequisite.

Calgary Flames vs Vancouver Canucks

DJ Qualls


Going by the name "Rat" in The Core, Qualls played a hero. It was inexplicable, and it never really should have happened. Yes, he was computer hacker, but if you can cast Chris Hemsworth as a computer geek hero nowadays, what gives? Still, while not being much of a stud, or an actor for that matter, Qualls got to play the hero for a day. He really doesn't do much productive in the movie until the very end, and it's absolutely ridiculous when that finally occurs.

The Calgary Flames aren't much of a hockey team, but seem to be this year's postseason likable favorites. The Canucks are even worse, and aren't likable at all. This whole series was obscene, and awful to watch for the most part. It had some gratuitous fights to keep you coming back but you wondered why you bothered. But at the end, it plays out so hysterically entertaining you can't help but like it a little bit.

Coincidentally, Qualls saves the day in The Core by using whales. I guess Calgary got to be heroes by beating up on Vancouver. Qualls would also fit right in on Calgary's top line.