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The Los Angeles Kings 2014-2015, In Memoriam

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In no way affiliated with those stupid eulogies hack bloggers write

Bow down before the Regehr army of the dead
Bow down before the Regehr army of the dead
Bruce Bennett/Getty Images

Last year on Memorial Day I had to a write another stupid gameday post. I chose to take us down memory lane, and we got to remember all those lovable Kings players we had lost. This Memorial Day, the Kings aren't playing because they realized making me write another slew of gameday posts was cruel and unusual. Unfortunately, Jer said I had to write something this week if I wanted to stay on Battle of California's insurance plan.

It's been a year, and the Kings once again have had some roster turnover, and many a soul has been lost. Trades. Free agency. Felony charges. You know, all those factors that can claim a professional athlete. Anywho, here are is the 2014-2015 Kings IN MEMORIAM.

Willie Mitchell

WHAT HE CONTRIBUTED: A stable defensive presence. A stable father figure. Restaurant reviews. Updates on the wildlife and nature of British Columbia, specifically the salmon. Being very emotional, crying, and making others cry because he was crying. Ability to "WOOOOO" like no other.

WHY HE LEFT: He may have actually been a role filled by several different people because he never looked like the same guy. And paying seven different people for one spot on defense just wasn't going to happen. Much like Rob Scuderi before him, Mitchell was an old defenseman due for a pay raise.

WHERE HE WENT: Where all old people with money go; Florida! They named him captain because he is three times older than the next player on their roster not named "Jagr". He showed back up in L.A. and cried more and it was all very emotionally jarring.

Linden Vey

WHAT HE CONTRIBUTED: Puns! Being part of the Manchester trio that included Tyler Toffoli and Tanner Pearson. He was pretty much Andrei Loktionov v.2, and got to sit while Pearson and Toffoli went on to solidify their places in the Kings' future.

WHY HE LEFT: Ran out of puns. And he was somehow not as enticing an option when compared to Mike Richards and Jarret Stoll.

WHERE HE WENT: Veycouver. He doesn't play there much either.

Ron Hextall

WHAT HE CONTRIBUTED: More material for the Flyers West narrative. Taught Jonathan Quick how to be a crazy, aggressive, borderline psychotic goaltender (probably). Was an assistant to the General Manager or some other crazy bullshit title that means, "showed up and received a check for listening to Dean Lombardi think out loud and nod when asked a question".

WHY HE LEFT: Rob Blake was a better bullshit executive because he had actual ties to the team and fans seemed ready to forgive him.

WHERE HE WENT: Back to the Flyers where he has already proven he has learned absolutely nothing while also not being able to exercise the ghost of Paul Holmgren from the offices. The Flyers seriously are a fucking mess. Mike Futa better take that as a cautionary tale and not run off to the tire fire in Toronto.

Andrew Campbell


WHY HE LEFT: Oh, I didn't know he left.

WHERE HE WENT: Who cares?

Slava Voynov

WHAT HE CONTRIBUTED: He was a two time Cup winning champion defenseman, that had everything going for him except for being paired with Robyn Regehr.


WHERE HE WENT: He's actually STILL ON THE ROSTER. HOW? Let's just move on.

Roland McKeown


WHY HE LEFT: Roland is a stupid name.

WHERE HE WENT: The Carolina Hurricanes. Maybe he makes it big, maybe he doesn't. Maybe Sekera signs with the Kings, maybe he doesn't. Okay, he's literally in here because I needed another name. Anyone else know anything about him? Actually, no one gives a shit.

Pft. Roland.

Robyn Regehr

WHAT HE CONTRIBUTED: Being a leading cause of pissing me off. Being a great target to make jokes about due to his sub par hockey ability, baldness, and refusing to blink. Seemed like a halfway decent guy actually, but seriously, I'll mostly miss him for making fun of. Who's left? Trevor Lewis? It's just not the same.

WHY HE LEFT: He read Battle of California, Jewels from the Crown, and my twitter timeline and decided to retire rather than be picked on by on-line bullies.

WHERE HE WENT: To purchase a large axe to now focus on his killing spree of said on-line bullies.

Mike Richards' ability to play hockey at all

WHAT IT CONTRIBUTED: A two-way center, that had top-line offensive ability, along with superb penalty killing and shut down play.

WHY IT LEFT: Fuck if I know. Maybe it was fueled by Philadelphia ladies and booze after all. Maybe he was never really that good to begin with, and it was just being on the Flyers that gave him the illusion of talent. Perhaps aliens stole his skill, a la Space Jam, and are using it for themselves to play a game against Wayne Gretzky and a Canadian version of Looney Toons. What would that even be? The population of Quebec? Moving on...

WHERE IT WENT: Good question. If anyone finds out, please let Mike Richards know.

The Kings' postseason aspirations

WHAT THEY CONTRIBUTED: Winning. Elevated blood pressure and alcoholism for everyone watching them. Keeping the players out of trouble at least temporarily. Taking down unlikable jerks like the Ducks and Blackhawks.

WHY THEY LEFT: The Kings noticed I was complaining non-stop about having to write ridiculous gameday posts, and saw I was pickling myself via alcohol consumption during the playoffs. For my own good they decided to sit out this year, which also gives them a chance to recharge their own batteries. A few them even got to play for their countries, and their minor league teams are doing great. They are giving other teams some winning ability, plus allowing someone else in the NHL a chance to win the Cup. It's some really selfless acts and they should be commended. They certainly didn't miss the playoffs because of fucking Alberta. That would have been embarrassing.

WHERE THEY WENT: Golfing! Or in Stoll's case, prison for possession of some good ol' Vegas fun drugs.