Ducks Playoffs, Round 2, Game 2: I Asked A Flames Fan Some Things

There wasn't a game yesterday because the New Kids on the Block were playing at the Honda Center, which I think was a subtle way to pump up the Calgary Flames since NKOTB comes from a time when the Flames were still relevant.

For today's post, I talked to friend of the blog and Flames fan bookofloob, who should you should definitely be following on twitter if you're not already.

I asked Floob a few questions last week, here's what he had to say (my response to his answers are in brackets). Questions were asked and answered prior to game one...

Say something mean about the Flames but don’t be a sad sack of crap about it.

I really wish their captain was bald because he had no choice. I wish there was such a thing as #GaudreauOriginStories where we speculate that Johnny Gaudreau was created in a lab out of peeled off flecks of skin and goat vomit that contains mostly spaghetti and garbage. These are things I wish the Flames had that other teams certainly do have.

[ Jer: I don't think you understood the assignment. See me after class. ]

Say something nice about the Ducks.

I'm so glad the fanbase never collectively decided to start bringing those duck call whistles to the games, because that would be super annoying and I feel like Ducks fans should lack the self awareness to realize it. But somehow they don't, and that is surprisingly mindful.

[ Jer: You must have missed the first couple of seasons down here. It was... rough. ]

Now say what you really want to say about the Ducks.

You know the Real Ducks are from the great state of Minnesota, right? The state of hockey, where all games are played inside, the way our Norse overlords intended.

[ Jer: You're not going to convince me that anything noteworthy ever originated our of Minnesota.  ]

Why will the Flames win this series?

Because there's a natural order to the universe, and the Ducks being successful has fucked with that balance for far too long. Every time the Ducks score a goal, a baby is born wearing pucca shells and board shorts.

Why will the Flames lose this series?

Chaos theory is real, yet stunningly predictable. Despite small differences in initial playing conditions, the wide array of possible results over the course of the game still don't lead to the Flames ever being able to get the puck out of their own end unless Clayton Stoner is on the ice.

How confident do you feel about your goaltending?

How confident do you feel about YOUR goaltending?

[ Jer: Look, this isn't about me, it's about you, asshole. ]

How confident do you feel about your physical appearance?

More to love means exactly that, and I won't ever let anyone tell me any different. Someone please smile at me once before I die.

What are most Flames fans really sensitive about?

There are two things they SHOULD be sensitive about, but aren't, because factions of this fanbase are slovenly, toe faced ninnies that don't realize how much everyone else hates them for dragging us down with them.

The first one, of course, is why the fuck would you spend your hard earned money on expensive hockey tickets and then ignore the action on the ice to do the goddamn Wave? Do you like hockey? Is there nowhere else you fit in? Anyone who does the Wave deserves to drown in it.

The second one is the C of Red chants during the American National Anthem. I get not wanting to hear that drawly, podunk, abominable paean, but Flames fans do it the wrong way: when the anthem singer reluctantly belts out "Oh say can you..."

"C!"

followed by "and the rocket's..."

"RED"

"...glare, please let me sing the fucking song"

You see, because we're the C of Red and we want you to know that we drink mercury right out of the thermometer.

[ Jer: Please sign my petition to ban all national anthems from every sporting event ever ]

What is your prediction(s) about how this series plays out?

Calgary's going to win, because magic is real and corsi is dead. Also Michael Ferland is going to wear Corey Perry's skin like a mask, but it somehow won't be creepy.

I will drink more than a moderate amount. Jer will be unpleasant and a bit stinky over the course of the...let's say 6 games in which we are all now common enemies.

[ Jer: I've been relatively well-behaved, because there's no way that you folks can be as bad as what I was putting up with for a week or so with Winnipeg Jets fans.  ]

Say whatever else you want to say (or plug what you have to plug)

Please don't give Sam Bennett the mumps, and I write for Flamesnation.ca, which is kinda okay.

Thanks for participating in this Q&A, you stupid jerk!

Playoff Gameday

Flames @ Ducks
Ducks lead series 1-0

Sunday, May 3, 2015, 7:00 PM PDT

Honda Center

Prediction

Karri Ramo has gameday diarrhea.