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Vote4Lubo

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The hero we need, not the one we deserve

OH GOD COME BACK LUBO
OH GOD COME BACK LUBO
Harry How/Getty Images

This may come as a shock to you but the Kings are not a well liked hockey team. The former darlings of the NHL, who we all loved so very much, are now mired in a series of legal issues, setup by conspiracies positioned to make them look like villains. Drug use. Termination over drug use. Acquiring Milan Lucic. All of it is slander construed to diminish our heroes. The NHL as a whole is in on this dastardly plot, as evidenced by the fact I can't find a fucking Alec Martinez shirsey, but Lucic merchandise is available everywhere at the cost of your soul.

But there is a way to turn things all around.

LUBO

The simple way to make the Kings a likable bunch by instilling the presence of one elf-man.

LUBO

An offensive force that can provide the defense with much needed depth. Yep, it's

LUBO

Yes, I will concede Lubomir Visnovsky is no longer the force he once was in the league. There's probably stats somewhere that say he's good/bad/doesn't eat cheese or whatever out there, but I rely on my instincts and they have never lead me astray so far. And my instincts are telling me to sign LUBO back on up with L.A.

REASON 1: BELOVED

Visnovsky is a loveable little guy who seemed magical in a near fantasy sort of way, like a leprechaun or Gandhi. Having him around would distract you entirely from Doughty screaming at the ref, Quick smashing his stick on a goal post, and from Lucic devouring a newborn baby. You'd be too helpless, uncontrollably smiling at Lubo offering you cookies, to notice whatever atrocity performed on a showboating rookie.

REASON 2: EUROPEAN

The Kings are dangerously low on European players currently on their roster. L.A. has got Anze Kopitar and Marian Gaborik and that's about it. They no longer have an active European on their blue line since Andrej Sekera bailed for $$$. Time to have Lubo fill that quota. Jhonas Enroth doesn't count.

REASON 3: OLD AND FRAGILE

Anze Kopitar is set to be a free agent and the Kings are going to need a lot of cap space to keep Raccoon Zombie Jesus here in Los Angeles. They can't offer up a ton of money to other free agents because of this. And they can't stretch out deals by giving up term, thanks to having to re-sign Brayden McNabb, Tyler Toffoli, Tanner Pearson, etc in the future as well. Hence why Andrej Sekera left for a shit load of money in the frozen hell-scape of Edmonton.

Not with Lubo though! He's old! He's brittle! A one year contract is feasible because the Kings could just lie and say it's actually a seven year deal and Lubo's old little eyes won't be able to read the contract. Also, that there was a decimal place he missed next to that dollar figure and that five million is actually fifty thousand. Sorry Lubo, but this is L.A. Kings hockey and you better get used to it.

REASON 4: HISTORY

Lucic plans on wearing number 17 on the Kings. That is Lubo's old number and is unacceptable. Sure, Wayne Simmonds wore it, but he was cool. The legacy of #17 is getting desecrated, and I won't stand for it. It's the worst thing that's ever happened since Jason Labarbera wore my old number from when I played in high school (I wanted number 33 or 31 originally but my team had already ordered jerseys and I decided to hold out until they ordered more but they said that would only happen if I paid $150 bucks for the jersey and shipping so I went with #35. A total travesty)

REASON 5: GULLIBLE

If Lubo can't cut it there's always a way we can throw him back, like a shriveled Slovakian fish. DRUGS. It worked on Mike Richards, and dammit, Dean will do it again. Some of the Kings may have wised up and decided to check their luggage before leaving to make sure Lombardi wasn't stuffing bags of black tar heroin into them. Not Lubo though. He's too innocent and pure and foreign to suspect mob boss Deano. He'd probably believe he packed it himself too. Sorry Lubo, but that pointless stretch of twenty games and -15 rating just earned you a contract termination.

REASON 6: NOT JAKE MUZZIN

I mean, do we really live in a world where Jake Muzzin is a great defenseman? It seems preposterous. I think the Kings, their opponents, and the world are playing a joke on me with that, and I can't stand by it. Get him out of here. Nice try everyone.

REASON 7: BETTER THAN THE ALTERNATIVE THAT SEEMS SORT OF WRONG AND EVIL-ISH

The Kings are probably just going to keep Slava Voynov around if the league doesn't suspend or ban him outright. Great, huh?