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Sympathy for Lamoriello

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WAW. WAAAW.

A dried up apple makes an announcement
A dried up apple makes an announcement
Ed Mulholland-USA TODAY Sports

It's the evening in Toronto. The press has gathered at the Maple Leafs' offices. It has been a hectic day for the National Hockey League. Lou Lamoriello has abandoned the New Jersey Devils, his franchise for nearly thirty years. He left for the Maple Leafs, a team without much sense of direction, but loaded with cash to put together a management group of all-stars.

Lamoriello stands at the podium looking out at the media members, hanging on every word already. He taps the microphone, and clears his throat.

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/TM7nU3Pi6ig" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

"Please allow me to introduce myself,

I'm a GM of plans and schemes.

Been 'round since the dawn of time,

Cap circumvented with my team.

And I was 'round when Kovalchuk,

Decided to leave the league.

Made damn sure that Bettman,

Guaranteed no CBA penalties.

Well,

Pleased to meet you,

I'm your GM man.

You may be wondering,

'What exactly is Shanahan's plan?'

*Ahem*

I stuck around East Rutherford,

But had playoff games we couldn't sellout.

Over seventy million in debt,

But still got a new arena to tout.

My success is lore,

Won Cups nearly four,

Except for that Bernier board,

And showed Brodeur the door.

Well,

Pleased to meet you,

Watch me run your team, oh yeah.

As for that Dubas guy,

Stats are useless in my esteem, uh-huh."

(Reporters cheer)

"I watched L.A.,

As they tried to make a play,

To acquire my wing.

Signed with me and it did sting.

And I asked asked,

'Why weren't games being played?'

Well there was a lockout,

Thanks to contracts I made.

So,

Please let me introduce myself,

Tell ya what players to sign and keep.

And I've had my teams perfect running the trap,

Which killed the game and put fans to sleep.

Pleased to meet you,

Hope you haven't watched New Jersey, oh yeah.

Because it may concern you,

Can't win and that should make you worry, uh-huh get down in those standings."

(Brendan Shanahan kicks over the podium and performs a guitar solo)

"Pleased to meet you,

Hope I can fire Babcock.

And that may puzzle you,

But I coached needlessly at The Rock.

Just as every owner is a crook,

And every deal a mistake,

Just 'Trust in Lou',

Call me Loucifer,

I found out there are contracts I can terminate.

So when you work with me,

Show some courtesy,

I've been doing this for decades.

Don't let me trade for Bryce Salvador,

I'm gonna lay your franchise to waste, oh yeah.

Well,

Pleased to meet you,

Let's re-sign Tyler Bozak.

It shouldn't shock you no,

You ever see that deal with Clowe a while back? Don't forget.

So tell me Shanny, what's my job?

Don't worry Dubas, I'm not really with the mob.

Tell me Babcock, is our defense is gonna make me sob?

I tell you Simmons, you look like a slob.

We gonna

LOSE LOSE LOSE

LOSE LOSE LOSE

LOSE LOSE LOSE

LOSE LOSE LOSE

Oh yeah."

The press conference ends and the reporters file out. Shanahan and Lamoriello shake hands. Steve Simmons instead writes a story on how Phil Kessel was preventing the Leafs from hiring Lamoriell.