Hey, remember Haley Joel Osment?
Sure you do. He's the adorable little scamp from a bunch of shitty movies and maybe was that kid in Jerry McGuire? I don't remember but I bet it was him.
Anyway, have you ever wondered what he's been up to these days besides getting fat? Me neither, but apparently it mostly involves bizarre Kevin Smith movies.
The reason I'm talking about Osment today is that he's apparently a California native, born in Los Angeles, which makes him ripe for Battle of California's coveted Arby's® Bathroom of Excellence award, and I'm way behind on posting this stupid thing. Unlike those other two fools who failed pretty hard at the simple assignment of selecting the best that California has to offer and awarding them with our prestigious award, I actually have found someone from California, the basic qualifier, to write about. I feel that simply understanding the assignment is a plus for me, so I don't have to really bother doing a decent job on the rest of this post, so I won't.
At any rate, there's a lot wrong with Osment, I get it. Primarily, he helped propel piece-of-shit hack filmmaker M. Night Shyamalan into a longstanding film career in which he had no business being in. There are few things I am more passionate about in life than my desire to see Shyamalan huff a whole dufflebag of dog dicks and die, but alas, this isn't about Shyamalan, that worthless asshole.
No, this is about wunderkind Haley Joel Osment, who is less of a wunderkind and more of a grown ass man who is probably like 40 right now with a sweet 401(k) and dental insurance. And what a man Osment is!!! (i guess).
For example... he's a golfer or whatever. And A.I. was probably a good film, maybe? He taught a generation how to pay it forward, and I guess was on Murphy Brown or something.
Christ, this isn't as easy as I thought it would be.
Let's check some news archives for Osment...
Ouch, DUI? Hrmm, no good.
Whats else do we have...
He's shaved his beard? Asshole.
He doesn't want to be remembered for The Sixth Sense by previously mentioned shitbag M. Night, so he's got that going for him...
... and I guess that's it.
Maybe I should have thought this through a bit better.
Oh well, jokes on you -- you've already read the whole post.