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The Teal Wallpaper

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Things look like other things if you force yourself to think about it long enough.

The visions are beautiful.
The visions are beautiful.
Alexis Lê-Quôc

The typical progress of the off-season for 90% of hockey fans goes something like this:

  1. Bathe in the bitter tears that came as a result of your team's lack of success in the playoffs, inability to make the playoffs, or for existing (Toronto fans only).
  2. Torture yourself by comparing your team's current roster with the one that just won the Cup to figure out the Cup winning code that they've apparently cracked. It's like numerology or the Kabbala or Tarot reading, except it makes even less sense and will leave you even more stupid and dissatisfied.
  3. Hate-tweet the NHL awards.
  4. Suddenly develop very specific opinions about teenagers you've never heard of before, and whether the professionals that creepily analyze these teens for a living are good or bad at their job.
  5. Get mad about free-agents signing with Not Your Team by assuming that all Your Team had to do was add a dollar to the final contract amount, like an eBay auction for a second pairing defenseman. But they just flat out refused to throw in that extra dollar, like a bunch of cretin skinflints.
  6. Stare at a wall for the rest of July.
  7. Start seeing things in the slight discolorations and shadows and textures on the wall in August.
  8. By Labor Day start talking to the discolorations and textures, your true and only friends, friends who just get you, you know?
  9. Read a redemptive article about a veteran player's off-season workout regimen, and how this will surely get the veteran player's career back on track.
  10. Get naively excited about how talented prospects look against marginal other young players.
  11. Pretend Your Team's pre-season record matters.

I'm deep into step 8 right now, and the wall-visions are so friendly and reasonable. They've got a lot of out-of-the-box ideas that might even be the KEY TO ALL KNOWLEDGE. Friends, let me share my beautiful wall visions!

What would Patrick Marleau look like as an actual Shark?

marleau talk

This is what he would look like:

Marleau plays hockey for the San Jose Sharks

Photo by Flickr user https://www.flickr.com/photos/pointnshoot/

What would Joe Pavelski look like as an actual Shark?

Joe Pavelski

Photo by Flickr user https://www.flickr.com/photos/thomaspix/

This is what he would look like:

pavelski true grit

What would Brent Burns look like as an actual Shark?

Brent Burns

Photo by Flickr user https://www.flickr.com/photos/caguard/

This is what he would look like:

Brent Burns as a Shark

Photo by Flickr user https://www.flickr.com/photos/caguard/

What would Teemu Selanne look like as an actual Shark?

Teemu Selanne is Good Looking

This is what he would look like:

Shit.