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Kings Gameday: One Billion Dollars

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*Dr. Evil pose goes here*

You can actually hear the Emperor theme from "Star Wars" playing
You can actually hear the Emperor theme from "Star Wars" playing
Dan Riedlhuber/Getty Images

In case you missed it, the Canadian dollar has reached a record low. Canadians are burning their money for warmth, they are eating their worthless currency for sustenance, and they are having to fuck balled up rolls of cash because hookers won't accept it any longer. I can't believe Obama let the economic situation in Canada get this bad.

Fortunately, Uncle Gary was there to help. Oh wait, that was a mistake. I meant Uncle Gary was there to demand cash in a comically evil sort of manner. It was quite hilarious/sad. As we all know already, Alberta is home to two hockey teams with arenas that are old and crappy. The Saddledome in Calgary is still recovering from being flooded, and is already pretty old. In Edmonton the Rexall Place is older than everyone in the NHL, excluding Jagr, and is filled with shit perpetually (looking at you Taylor Hall). However, Edmonton was able to sell enough meth to buy themselves a new stadium, though I doubt that they'll be able to clear out the wave of feces that comes over.

Calgary on the other hand doesn't want the public putting money into a new arena. Mostly because they aren't as desperately pathetic as Edmonton. Bettman decided he didn't like Canada growing a backbone, and more or less demanded that Calgary get their redneck frozen asses to work building a new arena. And he is absolutely right.

The owner of the Flames can't build the new arena on his own! He's only one person. Calgary is home to...at least 40 people? They can all chip in. Meanwhile their mouth-breathing brethren in Edmonton gladly would throw their pocket change at their nice rich overlord. And see? They are getting their new shithouse. Calgary is just refusing to fly straight and Bettman is calling them on it.

In fact he goaded Calgary with Edmonton's new arena going up.

"What's wrong Calgary? Can't even match Edmonton? You bunch of penniless jerks. Ha ha ha you're so poor."

-Gary Bettman

At this point I wouldn't be surprised to see Bettman unveil his new weather control machine and threaten Calgary with another flood. Sadly, the real victim here is the owner, who just can't seem to catch a break. He looks so sad.

Going back to the aforementioned worthless Canadian dollar now, it seems evident what is really happening here. Canada is trying to destroy hockey. The owners can't spend the valueless Canadian money, and it's gotten so bad the salary cap will likely go down. And America can't support another country. We already got too many mouths to feed in the Middle East. Have I mentioned that Winnipeg has decided to stop attending hockey all together?

So now Canada won't support our cherished owners, they have replaced their currency with Monopoly money, and they keep putting out sub-par teams that we can't stand to watch. Thanks for the impending lockout, eh.

senators preview

The "O" is actually a zero, which makes far more sense for a logo for a Canadian team. Also, Montreal participated in ruining the All-Star game in the John Scott fiasco. I don't think the league needs the Senators, a made up team, anyways. Just sayin'.

Prediction: The Kings lose 5-3 despite there not being a second team on the ice.