clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Kings @ Ducks Gameday: Free John Scott

New, 4 comments

Or not. But here's some ideas about all this

Our mouth breathing lord and savior
Our mouth breathing lord and savior
Matt Kartozian-USA TODAY Sports

The No Happiness League is at it again. Dasher of dreams, crusher of creativity, and fucker of fun. We speak of course of the John Scott fiasco. After the fans realized how beloved and respected he was, John Scott claimed his rightful mantle of "Captain". He made the All-Star team thanks to the democratic process, much like how Donald Trump is claiming his rightful spot: By using a bunch of idiots to drum up support.

But the league helped orchestrate a trade. They incinerated the prospect of having John Scott, the angry giant, participate in a bullshit game. The Arizona Coyotes told him to pack it up. He was sent to a hell I wouldn't wish on anyone. Newfoundland in January.

His 6'20 void will be missed. How will it be filled? What will John Scott do now? What should the NHL do to avoid looking like a clown dick in the future? These are the pressing questions only Battle of California can answer respectfully.

What to do with John Scott's ASG roster spot:

  • Leave it vacant because fuck you Arizona, you traded your All-Star
  • Make Jarred Tinordi play because he replaces All-Star John Scott on Arizona's roster
  • Make Gary Bettman play because this is his dumb fault probably
  • Have you seen this petition to get President Obama to play the 2017 NBA All-Star Game? Time for the NHL to beat the NBA to the punch. Captain Obama to lead the NHL Pacific!
  • See if Slava Voynov is interested in returning because the NHL seemingly doesn't care as much about those issues.
  • Contract the Coyotes from the NHL so they don't have to have a representative at the All-Star game anyways

What will John Scott do during the All-Star break:

  • Go back to the Sharks and punch Doug Wilson and Joe Pavelski for putting him through this in the first place
  • Get in contact with the KHL
  • Score some goals.
  • Ask Shane Doan if he can help him move, and subsequently leave Shane Doan for dead in a road side ditch
  • Feed starving children in Africa and realize his legendary captaincy shouldn't be restricted to just hockey
  • Print up "The John Scott Formerly Known As Captain" t-shirts
  • Anonymously call Coyotes President Anthony LeBlanc asking if "Amanda Hugginkiss", "Mike Rotch", and "Seymour Butz" are there
  • Setup his own All Star Game. Invite all of the NHL's top players. Rule them all ineligible at the last minute, quietly sulk.
  • Use his engineering degree to get a higher paying job than he has now
  • Team up with Douglas Murray to make an engineering firm entirely devoted to kegs.
  • Punch everything in sight

What should the NHL do moving forward:

  • Add fighting to the skills competition
  • Gather 18,000 fans in an arena showing video feed of each NHL owner reviewing his tax write-offs on the Jumbotron.
  • Limit who the fans can vote for in the All-Star game
  • Don't let the fans vote
  • Don't have an All-Star game
  • Don't have fans
  • Let all 700+ players into the game, we don't want anyone to feel left out.
  • Fans would probably love some more of those Stadium Series games, right?
  • Let a bunch of starving rabid rats out into a pit to fight, each one representing a player, and whatever rat survives at the end has the player it represents get named captain for the All-Star game
  • Give the fans what they really want in an All Star Game: more Shane Doan.

ducks preview


Prediction: John Scott bursts from the ice prior to puck drop and shoots into the sky like an ejaculate to the heavens.