The Minnesota Wild have finally decided to put themselves in contention this season as they apparently thought it was time to get serious about winning. You take one look at their roster and it is evident what they were all about: Losing. Not being champions. Sucking buttholes.
That era of anus huffing is over though.
Minnesota, not surprisingly, knows nothing of Stanley Cup Champion glory. Until very recently, the most they ever knew about it was knowing how to lose that. Zach Parise and Ryan Carter were the defacto leaders of the team because they knew exactly what it took to get close to a championship, and then fuck up and lose. But now the Wild have a top line center capable of going toe-to-toe with the big boys in the West. They got a champion. They got Jarret Stoll.
Mikko Koivu was never the leader the team needed, unless you wanted a leader in unlikable Koivu siblings. Ryan Suter and Parise aren't leaders. They are money grubbers, only after the scent of cash, both lured to a tepid nontraditional hockey market by contracts larger than that of the deal Anze Kopitar got. Imagine having TWO of those. Running until both those players are fucking forty years old. The rest of this fledgling expansion team's roster hails from the Buffalo Sabres.
It's evident why Stoll was brought in. He knows how to win. He's clearly not about the money. And he's so damn cool. I heard the first thing he did when he got to Minnesota after taking a look around at the sad sack bunch of rejects accompanying him in the locker room was placing a perfectly rolled joint in each of their lockers. Unfortunately, Jared Spurgeon was a total narc and told the team's
Algebra II teacher head coach about it. Stoll of course got out of that tricky situation by simply ignoring that chump. Did you really expect a guy like him to listen Mike Yeo?
"Oh yeah I totally pass on grass," Stoll reportedly laughed. "Smell ya later, baldy."
Yeo could not be reached for comment. Probably because he was still sobbing from that mammoth put down.
Now the Wild come to Los Angeles, where Stoll found so much success in the land that loves handsome rich people. His team will have their eyes opened to true achievement, as the Staples Center crowd showers Stoll in cheers and women's underwear. They will finally realize he is their true leader and ask him for guidance, for which Stoll will lean back on the bench with his legs propped up on the boards and provide none because he knows they're a bunch of undeserving uncool sour cream looking bunch of has-been's and wanna-be's.
Maybe then the Wild can turn the corner, and be on their way to a team that is taken seriously.
Prediction: Stoll address the crowd by whipping his jersey and pads off, and doing sit-ups at center ice. This goes on for six hours while the place goes crazy. Everyone forgets there was a game being played, and the Kings lose 2-0.