While half the country is buried under snow, I should point out it was a balmy 70 degrees out this last week here in Southern California. And while it's not exceptionally warm, it's still justifiably nice out enough to have SNOW CONES. And there is no better snow based snacks out there. None I say!
Don't get me wrong, hitting up a 7/11 and snagging a Slurpee is all well and good but there are a few inherent drawbacks that Slurpees have. First off, "pee" is in their name. That should be enough. Sort of like "San Jose". Nothing quite says ingrained boredom like that city, the Irvine of the north.
Meanwhile, snow cones are diverse and exciting. You get so many different crazy flavors, and you can mix and match. You can have your staples, like grape or lemon. Much like how the Kings got their key guys, like Kopitar and Carter. Then you can have your crazier flavors. Bubblegum? Cotton candy? Cough Syrup? Sure, why not? And the combos you can put together with them are limitless. You try that with a Slurpee and you only get undrinkable high fructose corn syrup. Snow cones got a flavor which can sucker punch your taste buds, like, well...
Anyways, while both have their similarities both have far different consistencies. Snow cones are crunchy and have a bit of a edge to them. A Slurpee is purely drinkable and by the end of it, it's just water on the bottom with a layer of sugar that can't hold up. Sound familiar? It's as childish and immature as Tomas Hertl, and as bland and gutless as Patrick Marleau.
Snow cones on the other hand wind up like an ultra diabetic flavor rush of icy smoothness near the end. They know when it's important to go all out with taste. Sure you may need medical attention, featuring an insulin shot, but the end of a Slurpee is unbearable and just makes you disgusted that you thought getting one was a good idea at all.
But next time will be different! Sure, ok. A vanilla coke Slurpee will let you down just like the cherry coke Slurpee. Meanwhile I'm enjoying high blood pressure with my watermelon/basil/chili powder snow cone. Grow a fucking spine. There's a reason convenience stores give those shitty drink/snacks away for free.
Prediction: I try a snow cone again and am vastly disappointed. I try and a Slurpee and wind up disappointed. I go the hospital and slip into a coma and die, while Michelle Obama yells at me about my diet and lack of exercise.