Ducks Gameday: Why (insert player name) isn't Toronto Bound

WARNING

You may find the contents of this article "inappropriate" or "offensive." Please do read this article if this applies to you and also feel free to whine about it on all your social media outlets, but don't forget to drop that @ (nobody likes a subtweeting piss baby). Remember, everything written in this article is a direct attack on you, your family, your social constructs, your dumb country and any/all things you may hold dear (including but not limited to: your experience as a fan of a team in a nation that can't even medal in the World Junior Championship).

Greetings, dear reader.

This may come to you as a surprise, but this is an intervention. That's right! There are many problems in this world but none greater than the war on spelling, and Canada is a prime offender. It's color, not "colour." It's honor, not "honour." It's defenseman, not "defenceman." These offenses can be forgiven. So you'll only be off by one letter your entire life, oh well. That's OK. It's your life choice. But what is unforgivable is trying to pass off Maple Leafs as the correct spelling. Leaves everywhere are falling in disgust. To try to find the root of this evil I did some research. It turns out that, according to the Toronto Maple Leafs official website, the Leafs are named after a World War I fighting unit in Canada.

"In February of 1927, Conn Smythe, who had built the New York Rangers franchise but was dismissed in favor of Lester Patrick, raised enough money to buy the St. Pats and prevented the team from moving to Philadelphia [because screw America, right?]. Smyth, a military man, immediately had the Toronto franchise name changed from the St. Pats to Maple Leafs, the name of a World War I fighting unit, the Maple Leaf Regiment. He also switched the uniform colours [COLORS YOU IDIOTS] to blue and white from green and white."

There is one huge flaw with this cover up of a story, however. There was no Maple Leafs Regiment!

*audible gasps*

Indeed, your franchise's history behind the apparent name change was just a cover up for poor spelling. And that, my deplorable reader, is why no player with any self respect will willingly join your team.

Gameday

Ducks vs. Leaves

Wednesday, Jan. 6, 2016, 7:00 p.m. PST

Honda Center – Anaheim, CA

Prediction

The Ducks know how to spell in the plural form. They score goals in the plural form as well. 3-1 Ducks over the Leaves.

Inspirational Music

This is how we teach our children in America!

Today you're listening to: School House Rock – The Preamble