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Putting the “hi!” in nihilism

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Hockey is back and I’m so, so tired

San Jose Sharks v Arizona Coyotes
Jumbo after fighting another hobo for a valuable can of soup
Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images

Hey everyone. The Sharks are back playing hockey against the...[checks schedule] Los Angeles Kings. When we last saw the Sharks on the ice for a meaningful game, the lovable and relate-able Penguins were skating around with the Stanley Cup, and everyone not named Steve Simmons decided they were always a fan of Phil Kessel, Hockey Playing Teddy Ruxpin.

Here’s some brief words about Phil. He’s fine. Ok? He’s a good scoring forward, and should have probably played for at least one of the random-ass teams in that tournament we just had. You know, the one where they play for the leaded crystal blob the NHL purchased late at night from QVC when they were drunk? Maybe he could have played for team Eastern Time Zone or whatever, with the neon jersey trim. He was treated badly by the Perennially Wrong Pasty Male Mafia in Toronto. But honestly, can you all maybe not fill my Twitter feed with heart emojis whenever anyone mentions him? I may or may not have a Joonas Donskoi body pillow, but I can see his name mentioned by someone else without having to reply "SQEEEE!!!!!!" twenty or thirty times consecutively.

So but anyway, the Sharks face the Kings in the season opener tonight, and by the way LA players racked up hardware at the NHL Awards, they must have had a pretty impressive season last year. I should probably check to see how they managed in the postseason. Must have been a hard-fought loss where everything was put on the ice and the only razor-thin difference was the random luck that separates two great, evenly matched teams.

As for the Sharks, well, let’s roll the fucking dice again on time not destroying the two greatest players to ever play for us, shall we?!! This is like a boulder dangling over the entire Sharks forward depth chart. We saw that despite having the most forward depth we’ve ever had, without a working Hertl we can’t win a playoff series. Defensively we were pretty good, though I can’t for the life of me figure out why Roman Polak was getting regular shifts when he couldn’t handle the speed of Pittsburgh. And Martin Jones actually showed us what competent goaltending looks like in May! That was pretty cool.

So all that sounds pretty ok, especially compared to a lot of other teams. So why do I feel like this season is a trap? It’s probably just that I’m used to getting my hopes vaporized by a semi labeled "Expectations!" whenever the Sharks start looking competent. But also, things had to break just right for the Sharks last year to get as far as they did, and it just feels like time is a motherfucker that is going to wear down our large middle age adult son Patrick and neo-Amish sad man Joe.

Oh well, fuck it. Here’s Donskoi absolutely wrecking shit by himself.

Kings @ Sharks

7:30 PM Pacific

Prediction: Time destroys all that we love, and nobody will love Patty as much as they should.