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Kings Gameday: Welcome back the emptiness

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Hi again, let's hope for a fast death

"They cheer...but why?"
"They cheer...but why?"
Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

/rolls out from underneath a mountain of beer cans

Hi again dick cleaners! It's been a short hibernation here at the Battle of California and here's some headlines you may have missed:

Jer is dead!

That's about it actually. We never found Jer's body, so I can only assume Jer's giant babies finally got ahold of him. RIP, butthole. This also means I'M IN CHARGE.

Don't fret about that, as I have extensive managerial experience. I ran a great amusement park on Rollercoaster Tycoon with my signature ride "The Ejaculator". You're all in good, sticky, crusty hands. As for this year...

Things suck! Marian Gaborik had his leg blown off in that stupid fucking preseason thing, and Tanner Pearson committed manslaughter in Alberta. Now we have Nic Dowd (he lost his 'k' in a childhood accident), and a victim of Joe Thornton. That would be Devin Setoguchi. Short, sincere, note: Good for Setoguchi. Alcoholism is serious shit, and the fact he came back from the brink is really impressive. Now for the bad:

He's probably gonna top out at like five goals.

Joe Thornton has ruined countless lives. Like Jonathan Cheechoo before him and Tomas Hertl after (give it three more years, tops) Thornton has brought up guys and put them into a spotlight they eventually wilt under like ants under a magnifying glass. Setoguchi at least has a center who is an actual leader now, so he will probably be happier and not tossed aside like a used tissue after prom night. But the Kings are sort of a mess right now regardless, even if he shatters expectations and scores SIX goals.

Dustin Brown, no longer captain, is still here, and, presumably, still bad. The rest of the depth on the wings consists of Dwight King, Kyle Clifford, and Trevor Lewis. Teddy Purcell is also floating around doing fuck knows what. The defense seems sorta better, in that they are FINALLY giving Derek Forbort a shot. Unfortunately he is likely stuck with Tom Gilbert Grape or the corpse of Matt Greene since Rob Scuderi's corpse finally is no longer able to be propped upright on skates.

So for this season, things could be ok. At best really. But what's the point, man? The Kings are only a few years removed from success and me gloating like an asshole. However now they are sort of in a weird transition time with their forward depth and aren't quite the same. Tyler Toffoli and Pearson are good to go, but the rest? Adrian Kempe isn't ready, Michael Amadio is a few years out, and Michael Mersch sort of sucks. By the time they will have adequate young forwards they will need to replace Jeff Carter and Gaborik anyways. Fuck this shit. Waiting is for chumps.

Why bother at all? With anything really. It's all the same in the end. You either suffer crushing disappointment, or you win and wait to suck again. You hate everyone and everything and most of all you hate yourself. Sports is the abyss you stare into and occasionally it stares back. But it requires you investing a lot of money in it because you need a new Abyss jersey. Winning doesn't help guys. You feel dead inside and wonder, "what else is there?" only to realize there isn't anything. It's just back to sucking, so you find other sports to help you try and fill that relentless void. All because your real life is empty and you're waiting for death. It's simply suffering, waiting for the eternal nothing to take us.

Well, for you maybe. My life is awesome, unlike your's. You loser. Go Kings? Whatever.

Prediction: The score occurs, an outcome decided, but nothing matters.