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These islands are inhabited by intelligent sandwiches who long to be eaten by me.

Delete all Wikipedia pages on islands, they are now unnecessary. Here is the definitive ranking of islands.

  1. Sandwich Islands (aka Hawaii) - sandwiches are delicious
  2. Treasure Island - self-explanatory
  3. Galapagos Islands - evolution is great
  4. Tristan da Cunha - the world’s most remote island, and it has a pub
  5. The Cyclades - mythical, fun to say, recommended
  6. Bounty Islands - big fan of bounty right here
  7. Pitcairn Islands - fun to say
  8. Christmas Island - does not apply to heathens
  9. Easter Island - same
  10. The Balaeric Islands - fine, if you like DJs and STDs
  11. Society Islands - unless you’re some sort of deluded libertarian
  12. The Dodeconese Islands - kind of a mouthful, but pretty
  13. Solomon Islands - people are very wise hear, I understand
  14. Pearl Islands - there probably aren’t any pearls here, but just in case
  15. The Antipodes - I’m not one of those Podes-loving schmucks
  16. Channel Islands (California) - particularly the ones with teeny tiny foxes, they’re adorable
  17. South Sandwich Islands - it’s better if you don’t have to qualify it, but they’re still delicious, if cold
  18. Isle of Man - impressive sounding, if a bit sexist
  19. Canary Islands - I know this is named after dogs, not birds, and I love dogs, but an island group overrun with dogs sounds terrifying
  20. Ascension Island - cool if you’re Jesus, but whatevs
  21. Turtle Islands - not compelling, sorry
  22. Baffin Island - Canadian
  23. The Seychelles - the pronunciation/spelling always bothered me, sorry about the global warming, etc.


4597. Staten Island - the Wu Tang at least likes you

4598. Long Island - sucks

Sharks @ Islanders

4:00 PM Pacific

Prediction: some Island-lover is going to dispute these factual findings