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Revenge narratives

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Community alert: this man stole a BMX bike behind the Circle K.

As you’re reading this right now, some sweaty 60+ man with a nickname like "Gravel" or "Toe" is frantically typing out a general-interest sports column about how this upcoming game is going to be a referendum on the outcome of the Stanley Cup finals from last June. Will the Penguins put an exclamation point on their victory, or will the Sharks choose to make a statement against their playoff foes?

"Sharks seek redemption against Cup winning Pens" is the kind of generic headline you immediately scroll past in a feed. Why? Because it’s predictable, lazy, and has been written a million times before. There’s literally no reason to read that kind of column.

Here’s the best reason, though: because it’s a fucking October road game, and athletes don’t give a shit about narratives.

That’s how two of the best Sharks are mentally preparing for this revenge game: walking around Pittsburgh looking like derelict Jiffy Lube assistant managers on their off-day who are totally OK with committing a little statch.

I honestly don’t think I’m ever going to love a team as much as I love these guys.

Sharks @ Penguins

4:00 PM Pacific

Prediction: Jumbo unwittingly dents Crosby’s Mercedes coupe with a mostly full Steel Reserve tallboy he just chucks behind him after he doesn’t want it anymore.