One of the most wonderful things about sports, is that in any given year in any sport, there is always going to be multitudes of incredible failure to occur. There's the hope building, sudden burst of flames failure akin to the Challenger explosion. There's the knowing sense of failure before things ever even started, which occurs at the start of every Cleveland Browns' season. And then there is my personal favorite: The last chance we got before things turning into a portable toilet rolling down a hill with a posse of clowns trapped inside it.
The year was 2011. The Vancouver Canucks had one of the deepest lineups ever assembled, and were in the Stanley Cup Final on the verge of victory. Instead of course the Boston Bruins won. 2012 rolled in and Vancouver was once again stacked. They had a President's Trophy and were facing the forever inept Kings. One Trevor Lewis induced turnover later and Vancouver was suddenly finished. 2013 had them swept by the hope-building-suddenly-combusting San Jose Sharks. Since then, the portable toilet has remained firmly locked and is really getting momentum rolling down that hill, so to speak.
The Canucks have been unbelievably difficult to stomach even in the best of times, and now it has transformed into full blown food poisoning. The toilet-down-a-hill comparison is already out of date. The Canucks are a trip to Taco Bell. You wonder how you got to this point. What choices in your life have done this to you? Eating dirt covered in taco seasoning and melted yellow plastic? That's not you. That's not food. Yet here you are.
You're choking down chalupas and Sbisas and gorditas and Horvats. You try stomaching things, and hey? Maybe it's not that bad. That's a lot of sour cream loaded into these things, the tomatoes have to be real, and you signed Loui Eriksson! Things are overblown. Twelve hours later and you're still maintaining this sick line of belief.
The rest of your weekend is spent expelling this filth. It's painful. It takes forever. You long ran out of toilet paper and air freshners and serviceable years from Alex Edler. Every time you think it's over and done with, you realize you got more left in you getting expelled from the front and back ends. Life is suffering. Life is burning with your mistakes. Life is hell. And the aforementioned disappointment and failure that led to this point? That's on you and it's the worst part of it all. All the while weird green stuff is showing up too disgusting to be real but there it is.
You're what brought you to this point. Sucking down mexi-melts and sand disguised as beef. Or in the Canucks' case, sucking down the likes of Derek Dorsett and Ryan Miller disguised as an actual goaltender. At least you are feeling skinnier. There's always tomorrow. And another shot at delicious Taco Bell/five more years of Brandon Sutter at over four million dollars a year.
Prediction: I go to Taco Bell again because the Kings lose 3-2.