We will not stop until we’ve libeled every nephew in North America

There have been several phases to BoC, reflecting the talents and peccadilloes of the writers. Earl made cartoons, Chen wouldn’t shut up about Morrissey, Rudy loved photos that made it look like someone was pooping, Megalodon flaunted his satchels, Stace wrote extensively about trash, and Jer liked catfishing morons.

This week, we start a new phase. No, not the furry lifestyle blog, that didn’t test well. We will slander all your nephews. Every single shithead nephew of yours will be insulted by one of the writers here.

It’s going to make you so, so mad. You’re going to threaten us with lawsuits. Because we’re lazy and poor, we’ll probably take down the offending post. The thing is: you still have a dipshit for a nephew. The more people he meets, the more people are going to think he’s a dipshit, and that’s not something in our control.

Suppose your nephew happened to be a good athlete. Maybe a hockey player? Still a shithead. I don’t care how fast he skates. He skates so fast because the rest of his brain is too busy thinking about the unsolicited dick pics he’s about to send to tell his legs to stop.

And you’re a terrible uncle, too. Your Facebook feed is garbage, filled with Trump and alt-right memes. You’ve been muted by everyone under 57. And you get to live with the fact that, confronted with proof of your asshole nephew’s dipshittery, you chose to coddle him. You’re an accessory to a shithead. It’s not even glamorous. That’s what you’ve ended up with, in your life. You want to make America great again, but you can’t even help your shithead nephew stop being a dingus.

Indigenous People’s Blue Jackets @ Sharks

7:30 PM

Prediction: Yup, still a dipshit, with you as an accessory.