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Putin on the Perry

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One more week of election fun, but Putin stays with us forever

"Wow, I didn't even know we poisoned you! Oh, shit. You always look like this?"
"Wow, I didn't even know we poisoned you! Oh, shit. You always look like this?"
Anna Sergeeva/Getty Images

There has been a lot of discussion about where Corey Perry came from. Sure, his bio may say he is from Canada, but how can we be sure? Has anyone seen his long form birth certificate? I doubt it. This guy is the sort of dangerous immigrant we have been warned about, and yet nothing is ever done. It truly baffles the mind that well respected outlets like Breitbart and InfoWars have failed to cover this plague of foreign vileness, but I shall persist.

Thanks to my top notch detective...ing skills I have developed a hypothesis as to where the Perry like hell-spawn has originated from. RUSSIA. THE USSR. SOVIETS. EURASIA. THE BAD GUY FROM ROCKY IV. THE WEIRD BLOCK HEADED FIGURES YOU SHOT PLAYING GOLDENEYE ON YOUR NINTENDO 64.

It's not a secret that Russia has been meddling with our good ol fashioned democracy. They have hacked emails. They have timed releases to cause chaos. They re-district our states and suppress voter turnout in minority neighborhoods. Wait, that was us? Christ, that's fucked up. Anyways, Russia is up to no good, and I'm sure Corey Perry is there doing also.

He was clearly hacked in his genetic code, given that he looks like a flan somebody decided could use some clumpy baby powder. He sows chaos. He suppresses your instinct to not violently puke everywhere. What else do we know about Corey Perry?

My guess is that he is a direct science project of one Vladimir Putin. Putin simply has a radio in that empty white scallop squash looking head of his. Now he is piloted around like a drone carrying loaded used condoms. And has Perry poisoned his rivals? He might have. He's always trying to sneak them liquids without asking.

water bottles

Poor Carter was poisoned with Stanley Cupitis later that summer.

He's formed weird alliances with questionable characters. Like with DREW DOUGHTY. What nefarious deeds is Perry plotting? And more on that love of interfering in places he doesn't belong.

ouch ouch ouch

Mother Russia sends her regards. Or Canada. Or the bloated dead weasel stomach. Wherever the fuck he is from.

Prediction: I drink a radioactive beer or some crazy shit and die.