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Where all awful things go to die

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Surprise! Winnipeg!

A happier time, when my biggest concern was Robyn Regehr and not extinction.
A happier time, when my biggest concern was Robyn Regehr and not extinction.
Harry How/Getty Images

Well it's about *checks watch* two hours before a game. Really? Jesus. Who the hell designed this schedule? This is ridiculous. Anyways, the Kings are off from forgettable Ottawa to White-Out Hell. Otherwise less commonly known as Winnipeg. The Jets are still their for the time being before the league contracts them along with New Jersey, Florida, Ottawa, Anaheim, Arizona, Calgary, and Edmonton.

The Kings...sort of have the same record as them? It's those confusing Bettman participation points. Oh! And the Kings are all dead. You see, Raccoon Jesus, dismayed at the idiotic behavior of humanity decided to peace the fuck out, and now instead of Anze Kopitar centering we have Top Line Trevor Lewis because oh sweet god why would you do this?!

On a lesser note, Jeff Zatkoff also died again. Greg Glen Naomi Jeff? Campbell is likely back to sit around and watch Peter Budaj play 70 games this season. Tee-fucking-riffic.

So who else will die on this stupid fucking Canada trip that became necessary to avoid the Trump States of Trumpistan? Will Tanner Pearson get guillotined by a broken glass panel along the boards? Will Nick Shore get abducted by aliens between periods? Will Jake Muzzin fall into a mysterious hole like Ozzie Smith? It'd be an improvement over him falling into his own goalie at least, and he wouldn't have the chance to cough up weak ass turnovers through his dick hole. The possibilities are endless and we live in despair and delirium brought on by those massive amounts of despair.

New lines!





Oh yeah, that's the shit. Inject it into my eyeballs and let me overdose on pure unadulterated shit hockey. Yeah baby.

Prediction: North Korea nukes us in the third period mercifully and I don't catch the end of the game where the Kings lose 4-1.