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"Gross get the hell off me"
"Gross get the hell off me"
Doug Pensinger/Getty Images

The Kings are back in town. Spread the word around. Yes in-fucking-deed, they are back in the United States and they are ready for their first game in America in our new era. Things are great though. Awesome in fact. I don't care that Anze Kopitar is hurt. Or that Jonathan Quick is spending his year professionally drinking (just like me!). Or that the Kings are getting ran past entirely by the fucking Edmonton Oilers.

What's the point in worrying? We are all gonna die anyways! None of this matters. Nothing matters. It's a golden age of only worrying about when is death creeping around that corner. Who cares about anything else? It's like nirvana except it's perfect realization that only death matters. Things are looking up!

In the past my worries only included:

  • 1988: Who will play with Gretzky? Are the Lakers gonna win again? Will Kirk Gibson be available off the bench for the Dodgers?
  • 1989: Don't crap your pants don't crap your pants don't crap your pants.
  • 1990: "Desert Storm"? Shit I've been calling it "Dessert Storm" like an asshole.
  • 1991: I think George Bush is lying.
  • 1992: Learning all the steps to "Achy Breaky Heart".
  • 1993: Still working on those steps.
  • 1994: Hiding shame from others over knowing the steps to Achy Breaky Heart.
  • 1995-1998: Missing an episode of The Simpsons.
  • 1999: Y2K. God, remember that was a thing? What a world.
  • 2000: Getting exposed on AIM for not being a 21 year old professional surfer looking to just chat.
  • 2001: Not knowing what the World Trade Centers were or being sure where they were located.
  • 2002: "Catholic school?! The hell?! I'm not catholic! I didn't even do anything that wrong!"
  • 2003: There's no way the Kings get screwed this year, barring an ungodly amount of injuries to all their key players.
  • 2004: I think George Bush might be lying.
  • 2005: I think The Simpsons might be declining.
  • 2006: I hope I can focus on college.
  • 2007: I hope I can focus on drinking.
  • 2008-2013: Really making sure I can keep drinking.
  • 2014: Don't crap your pants don't crap your pants don't crap your pants.
  • 2015: Tweeting about blow jobs.
  • 2016: When is death showing up?

Prediction: I live forever. Except then I choke and die on an Oreo during a Kings 3-0 loss.