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Oh the places you’re from

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Los Angeles Kings v New Jersey Devils
I hope this picture is centered
Photo by Jim McIsaac/Getty Images

Hi everyone. I am using a new format of “publishing” my “articles” here at SB Nation and I am still learning everything here. If anything strange pops up here suddenly or out of place, it’s just weird glitches on buttsex this new editor.

Anyhow, the Kings are playing New Jersey. I have a lot of issues about New Jersey. One is that their colors suck. Every team has black and red, and they are all boring. The Flames, Senators, Hurricanes...who even remembers these dweebs? The Flames used to be red and yellow (you know, like a flame) and were cooler then. The Senators used to wear black predominately and had a logo that looked less a father discovering his daughter’s prom date has a facial tattoo.

The Devils used to wear red and green, and, man, that shit was crazy. Christmas Devils! Who’d have guessed?! But then they switched to red and black and sucked more. Because that is what teams do when they don’t specify where they are from do. Sorta like the Hurricanes. They don’t even say which Carolina they are in. I’ve been to a Devils game and I couldn’t tell you what city I was fucking in. Trenton? Jersey City? Delaware? The point being:

Regional/State names suck.

New Jersey is Milquetoast name for a milquetoast state for a milquetoast team.

Tampa Bay isn’t even a city or a state. It’s a body of water. Yet we have three professional sports teams named with it.

New England?! Is this supposed to be Vermont? Rhode Island? Or is it part of England that’s been recently renovated? And red, white, and blue is so overdone too. Not to mention those colors are now offensive worldwide under Trump.

The Angels used to be the California Angels and they never won dick. They changed to Anaheim and won a World Series. But then they got greedy and tried to take another city’s name and now they really suck.

Florida? FUCK YOU.

Tennessee? It’s a 50/50 shot of it being Memphis or Nashville. Just say which fucking one.

Minnesota? All their teams go by that because they want to seem important and not admit to playing in place called Chesterhitlerton or something probably.

Texas? Only one team does this and it’s the Rangers who are using another team’s name to begin with, plus they are disrespecting Walker.

Colorado had half their franchises figure it out, but apparently the Avalanche and Rockies couldn’t be bothered because they were too busy being unimaginative fucks and stealing Canada’s last franchise capable of winning anything (which is admittedly hilarious so maybe you guys are okay).

Arizona...you god damn idiots. First, the Coyotes don’t even know where they are themselves half the time. Second, Arizona Diamondbacks is a perfect name of skull fuckery that deserves Yasiel Puig taking a shit in your stupid pool. And third, the Arizona Cardinals play their games in a stadium named University of Phoenix Stadium. Yet despite being a name of a city in your lousy ignorant state, your lame ass football team doesn’t even play in the one recognizable shitty city you have. You’re a god damn mess and I hope Mexico floods you with sewage.

Golden State? Do you want to even try to explain where the fuck that is? Most idiots in this Trump country don’t realize this is even meant to be California! As to where? Who know? And guess what happened to them? Blew a 3-1 series lead.

Utah and Indiana get a pass because they are miserable enough states and we forget about them 90% of the time anyways.

Prediction: It was Newark. The Devils play in Newark. I had to look it up.