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Comer mierda y morir

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Mexico!

Olé
Olé
Jake Roth-USA TODAY Sports

In case you missed it, democracy totally fucked up and we put a dip shit orange Nazi in charge. Is that harsh? No. We've been over this. He's a man who has already tried to profit off his candidacy, and now his elected position. He has exploited his charitable foundation for personal gain. He is a dickhole bully who is deep down a coward, and a thorough buffoon. He surrounds himself with absolute scum. He's a villain from any movie ever made, except actually too incompetent in reality.

But we elected him and we are all fucked.

Now America is most certainly relatively fucked (that's putting it as nicely as I can), and really the whole world may be. But America's got way higher odds of being a raging outhouse fire than the rest of the planet, and I feel like playing those odds. So adios, bitches.

We have two neighbors. One is north and one is south. Here's all you need to know about the one to the north: Alaska is mooching off of it. And Alaska is fucking awful. It's cold and the residents are dumb ass backward fisherman/people who shoot wolves from helicopter and suddenly think they are Liam Neeson in The Gray. Some of you may imagine Canada is this utopia of tolerance and butt sex, but try and know better. Alberta exists. It's backwards as fuck for 90% of that place.

Mexico...who fucking knows? It's a mystery down there besides the water will make you shit yourself. Sure Canada has vast emptiness once you get one hour past the U.S. border, but that's cold nothingness. Mexico is jungles and deserts and who knows what else. It's crazy as hell down there, so if you are going for unknown vast areas, you may at least go where you don't require three coats from Burlington.

Plus, take a look at law enforcement. Mexico has the Federales and you can't fuck with them. Or you better at least have a lot of cash so you can get away with it. Canada has Mounties.

Mexico is the actual wild west our dipshit residents here in America think exists in like Wyoming or some bullshit. Except Mexico is the real deal. Your lame ass gringo self better be ready for the real shit. Worm liquor. Pufferfish venom injections. Tacos. Canada has nasty cheese on microwaved fries and gravy.

Mexico doesn't have hockey. So congratulations on being Mexico's top hockey prospect. Canada has loser hockey teams, and players who haven't progressed past the fourth grade.

Mexico's flag is bad ass as hell. It's a pissed off bird eating a punk snake. It's like a god damn metal album. Canada has foliage.

Mexico has mariachi music and...other stuff like Mexican rap or something? I don't know. But it's not Nickleback or RUSH.

Mexico is home to swarthy hot people like me. Canada is home to mayo globs.

Mexico told Donald Trump to go fuck his wall. Canada wants to renegotiate with him. And let's be real, being on his shit list is like a badge of honor.

Prediction: Mexico gets nuked. Canada remains cold.