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Happy Birthday-Day, a Spade post

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Its like oprah, you get a birthday! you get a birthday! you get a birthday! wooooooo!

Why am I doing this?
Why am I doing this?

Its Happy Birthday-Day.....today!!

My beautiful daughter Ciel turns 2!!!

spade1

(she is the milkmans daughter. Only girl to have brown hair in our family as opposed to black..hmmmmm)

I turn some new age tomorrow

spade2

Fuck you I will not tell you.

I am a big astrology guy. The daily horoscopes are complete bullshit but I believe in the traits. Saggs are impatient assholes, who like variety, are philosophers, attractive to the opposite sex and do not have to be in charge. So that got me philosophizing, which current ducks are fuckin as awesome as me? I also believe sags behave slightly different depending where they land in the defining dates. So the closest ducks are actually two with the same burfday. When I tell you the two ducks and put them up against the sagg traits..it well kinda makes sense..sorta

Cameron Fowler

spade3

American hero, unlike Pavelski

AKA former trade bait-butnowwearefuckingladwekepthim

Burfday: 12/05

How does he stack up?

Impatient asshole?

I would say yes. Started off his career with a +- about -200, doesn't get his point shots through. Tries to do too much. He zips up his pants too soon with some residual pee getting in his drawhs. Yup check, check.

Likes variety?

Fruits loops on Monday, shredded wheat on Tuesdays, Chorizo on Wednesday, a Latina on Thursdays? Yup check.

Philosopher?

Cam thinks, since I am Canadian and American..should I be referred to as a Amerdian? Why did my parents name me a car part? Yup check check.

Attractive to the opposite sex?

Defiantly not an ugly man...has that boyish look. Orange county chics I think dig that kind of thing. I mean he isn't some bum looking fucker like those horrid shark guys. So check.

Does not have to be in charge?

He is not that captain and he is totally cool with it. Check.

Summary

Yea Cam has improved leaps and bounds this year. You could argue he has been the best defensemen on the ducks to date. We need to pretend we are trading him more often. And he passes the true Sagg test.

Nicolas Ritche

spade4

AKA one of those guys with two first names

Burfday: 12/05

How does he stack up?

Impatient asshole?

Dude just like fowler, an underwhelming first year, doing too much. Just like Fowler not shaking the snake long enough to get everything out. I hope he changes his underwear often. Yup check, check.

Likes variety?

Not sure about this one. I mean two first names. That doesn't sound like variety. Box left unchecked.

Philosopher?

Nick ponders, if I try to lead the league in hits I will be the best player ever? People will be so scared of me, they will let me score. Best of all Caryle will never sit me. He loves neanderthals. Check

Attractive to the opposite sex?

Um well he looks like that country dude that sings "that's my kinda night"..something about eating catfish...trucks...chics in daisy dukes love that shit. I say check.

Does not have to be in charge?

I have no fuckin clue...maybe he is a remote control nazi? Maybe not. I would say inconclusive

Summary

Dick Ritche as I call him has also improved over his opening stanza. We will see what he becomes. Remember I am an impatient asshole so I am disappointed and I want more from him. He scores a 80% sagg grade.

Spade

spade5

I don't even work out

AKA mas firme

AKA sweet dick

Burfday: 11/27

How do I stack up?

Impatient asshole?

I am the first guy in the dinner line, trying shit while its cooking, skipping foreplay, shows up early, takes 5 shots to hurry up and get drunk...impatient I am.

Likes variety?

I still haven't had the Asian chic yet but yea...like all 31 flavors. Beer Monday, red wine Tuesday, Whiskey Wednesday, variety should be my middle name

Philosopher?

Are aliens with the bug eyes and skinny frame just future humans? They end up just watching tv all day and never exercise. They evolve into that. Are the sharks just a joke the hockey gawds are playing on us? Call me Aristotle.

Attractive to the opposite sex?

Haha next question. You kidding me?

Does not have to be in charge?

True. Im lazy..i hate conflict.

Summary

I am awesome

Tonight's Game:

Ducks vs. the Shorks

Somehow the sharks managed to get into the cup final last year then proceeded to shork it up like we all knew they would. With all the ex-ducks the penguins had it should have been a for-gone conclusion. I mean the sharks got two bums, donkey donskoi, a horseface bad mustache fool and an awkward uncle. It is a cartoon waiting to be drawn. I feel bad for our brothers/sister evilducks, mako, my sugar daddy Ian and hot ass Seattle-ite/partime flames fan Stace. Ducks put your skate right on the throat of these assholes.

Oh and Vlasic sucks and is overrated. I am putting that on my tombstone.

Prediction: 6-1 ducks. 2 goals apiece by the saggs, 1 for baldy and one for ummmm...Kesler or something. Horseface scores one off his teeth.