Smash Mouth vs. Phoenix

We know it’s a confusing time right now, and that’s why we, at BoC, continue to stand firm and report on the real issues, not the distractions. This post is about what would probably happen if San Jose’s greatest artists, Smash Mouth, got into a street fight with various bands from Phoenix.

Smash Mouth vs. The Gin Blossoms

At first glance, this is a walk for the boys from the South Bay. The sheer number of chin beards and soul patches on Smash Mouth indicates that these white boys are ready to fight and fuck, in no particular order, and their hats will be on backwards for both. The Gin Blossoms, on the other hand, got famous thanks to the drunken love songs written by a dead guy, and smoothly transitioned to Hits From the ‘70s, ‘80s, ‘90s, And Today type radio stations you’re likely to hear in a dentist’s office.

But weirdly, the Gin Blossoms have a stamina that’s difficult to see at first. They’re still playing County Fairs, and people stick around for “Hey Jealousy.” They cut their hair, so that’s one less hand-hold for Smash Mouth to grab. There’s a quiet will to them trudging from one venue to the other 25 years after their heyday, plugging in, and earning a paycheck. They’ll take a punch, or 50, and still won’t go down.

Result: Smash Mouth exhausts themselves trying to land a finishing blow, both bands collapse in a bloody heap.

Smash Mouth vs. Jimmy Eat World

Fighting makes Jimmy Eat World sad, angry, depressed, full of love, and wistful, all in the space of 2-3 minutes. Hell, buying anti-diarrhea medicine at CVS makes Jimmy Eat World sad, angry, depressed, full of love, and wistful. It’s a chameleon trick, and Smashmouth don’t care. They’re full of Patron tequila and Monster energy drink (never Rock Star, interestingly) and do not have complicated emotions.

The pummeled, slumped bodies of Jimmy Eat World paint a scene that is sad, angry, depressed, full of love, and wistful.

Smash Mouth vs. The Meat Puppets

Lining up The Meat Puppets next to Smash Mouth is like looking at some distant relative who never left their redneck town and therefore became hard as a fucking concrete backyard next to your idiot cousin who failed to become an actor.

The Meat Puppets surprise Smash Mouth by not saying a goddamn thing but punching them in the throat as soon as they get near enough, casually taking their wallet, and stepping on their fingers as they sashay away.

Smash Mouth vs. Mr. Mister

Mr. Mister fights dirty and sings like a lunatic while using a butterfly knife to slice open your intestines. The color yellow means “danger” in nature. Smash Mouth wants no part of these deranged, permed psychos.

Coyotes vs. Sharks

7:00 PM Pacific

Prediction: We have to perform better than Smash Mouth if we want to win.