Once there was a team.... and the team loved going to OT.
And every game the team would go and not win easily in regulation, even if it was against sad sacks like the Canucks or Blue Jackets. The opponents would get outstanding goaltending inexplicably by scrubs. And they would get easy power play goals. And when they were losing, they'd still find a way to end the game tied. And the opponents got points... even with a loss.
And the team was happy. But time went by. And the opponents got more points. And the team played extra time every game. Then one day the opponents came to play and the team said, "Come, opponents, come and score easy garbage goals against Peter Budaj and be happy."
"We score enough goals, but cannot prevent them" said the opponent. "I want to score goals and not allow them. I want some defense?"
"I'm sorry," said the team, "but I cannot trade you defenders. I have only like four players left back there. Though we can put Devin Setoguchi on the top line. Then you will have no pressure and you will be happy."
And so the opponent got shutouts. And the team was happy because it was still sorta funny. But the opponents were getting *all* the points.... and the team was sad. And then one game the opponent came back and the team shook with joy and said, "Come, opponent, let me score a few goals this game because Alec Martinez is our leading scorer."
"I am too far down the standings," said the opponent. "I want a regulation win to move ahead of the Oilers. Can you believe that shit?" they said. "I want points and I want another shutout, and so I need you to blow ass again. Can you recall Rob Scuderi?"
"What? No. C'mon man," said the team. "I'm already using Matt Greene regularly, but you can be assured he will take a penalty and you can probably score then. Maybe go to OT? Then you will be happy."
And so the opponent scored another few power play goals, forcing overtime. And the team was happy. But the opponent kept picking up points. And when the opponents came back, the team was so happy they could hardly put together a proper line. "Come, opponents," they whispered, "come and play."
"I am too tired and sore to play," said the opponent. "I want a game where I can half-ass it and maybe still get rewarded for it. Can you give me a bonus point?"
"Fine fuck it," said the team. "Then you can get a bonus point but will get schooled by Nic Dowd... and be happy."
And so the opponent got to overtime, got a free point, but got totally embarrassed by Dowd who scored a highlight reel game winning goal. And the team was happy ... but not really. And after another off day the opponents came back again. "I am sorry, shit heads," said the team," but I cannot be giving away points - especially not in our own division."
"My offense is too weak for scoring," said the opponent.
"I already had to make a call-up and Tom Gilbert got suspended," said the team. "You cannot ask for Scud- "
"I am too shitty in goal and Brian Elliott sorta sucks," said the opponent.
"My scoring is gone, " said the team. "Dwight King hasn't done any- "
"I am too pathetic to stop attacks because Dougie Hamilton is a really expensive third pairing guy" said the opponent.
"I am sorry," sighed the team. "I wish that I could give you something.... but I have nothing left. Barring Anze Kopitar leaving for the KHL. I am just an old team. I am sorry...."
"I don't need very much now," said the opponent. "Just a slow team to eek out a point and half-ass against. I am very bad at hockey."
"Well," said the team, putting out line rushes of Kyle Clifford and Trevor Lewis on the top power play unit, "Well, an old team is slow and you can probably get a few cheap goals. Come, Flames, and let's play an overtime game. We both are under performing."
And the opponent did. And the team was happy.
Prediction: I get sued again. Kings lose 3-1.