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The War on Christmas

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I preferred Life Day or whatever that shit was on Star Wars

If only
Photo by Mark Ashman/Disney Parks via Getty Images

I grew up post Soviet Union, and the most I ever knew about them was from playing GoldenEye as a kid. I was shocked to learn after some years that they didn’t have Pierce Brosnin roll through the streets in a tank chasing after Sean Bean and some gal that killed people with her thighs. I’m still not 100% certain what the GoldenEye in GoldenEye is, since I never actually saw the full movie and the “CONTROL” mission in the game was insanely difficult. I’m pretty sure nukes were involved though.

Sadly, our dear leader and puffy bleached anus disaster in charge does not become President officially until after the holiday season, so the above video loses some punch. But with all this talk of expanding use of nukes and arms races it really puts ya in the holiday spirit. I’m finally getting the gift I have always wanted: the end of humanity.

I didn’t have the chance to grow up with the Cold War and Mutually Assured Destruction, but I am glad we are trotting it back out. My old as shit dad is certainly having some fond memories.

Don’t think the apocalypse is upon us? Did you see that goal set-up by Jordan Nolan? Yes, Nolan. If that’s not the sign of the end times I don’t know what is. Also I blame the Cubs. Thanks Chicago, you bunch of greasy lard balls.

Who are the Kings playing tonight? Dallas? Fucking Texas. They’re already a bombed out looking hellscape. They don’t give a shit if the rest of the world looks like a armpit under a microscope like they already do. Speaking of gross armpits, Antoine Roussel should be back in action.

Happy holidays, you assholes.

Prediction: Nukes by the end of February, Kings lose 3-0.