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The Endlessly Poor Decisions of the Edmonton Oilers

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Oh fuck, we’re doomed.

Hey kids. It’s a battle for first place in the Pacific Garbage Patch as the Sharks take on the Oilers! The Oilers are led by Connor McDavid and his fearsome linemates...uh...Collar McBroken...and...David McConnor.

I mean, there’s Kings legend Milan Lucic on his left side, noted enemy of opposing player’s nuts, and the toughest man in the league if you only watch the final minutes of a game in which he’s losing. We talk a lot about players like Patrice Bergeron and Anze Kopitar making his linemates better. Joe Thornton deserves a banner raised high for turning mildly talented NHLers into beloved fan-favorites and Richard trophy owners. What do you say about Gorilla Corncob, who has played with Bergeron, Kopitar, and now McDavid and consistently produces like a 2nd liner? The Oilers sure could use a left winger for McDavid that could consistently score at a high rate, and who also happens to look like a recently discovered Amazonian rodent.

Nashville Predators v New Jersey Devils Photo by Bruce Bennett/Getty Images

On the right, there’s Jordan Eberle, the most boring 20-30 goal, 60-70 point player in the league. The most memorable thing about Jordan Eberle is that I even remembered his name. “Jordan Eberle” is a name straight from your local community college fiction writing class. My guess is that he’s the hero of a religious Ayn Rand accolyte’s relentlessly symbolic novella depicting in excruciating detail how society oppresses the creative genius of the individual.

Chicago Blackhawks v Edmonton Oilers
“Let me show you my extensive coin collection.”
Photo by Codie McLachlan/Getty Images

Maybe I’m being arrogant here, but the only difference between the Oilers this year and previous years is their place in the standings. Their problems for the last 10 years related to depth, defense, and goaltending. Bringing in Kris Russell (LOLOLOL) and Adam Larsson on D, with a goaltending tandem of Cam Talbot and Jonas Gustavsson doesn’t seem like a recipe for ultimate success. While I wouldn’t be super shocked to seem them grab a wild card spot, this seems like the kind of season that gets hyped as being a turned corner, but ends up being a cul-de-sac (see Maple Leafs, Toronto, 2000-present). Though I have to say, there was some serious lateral thinking involved with whoever decided Hunter was a good idea.

“I consume no part of my prey, this is for pleasure.”

Oilers @ Sharks

7:30 PM Pacific

Prediction: Lucic leaves his mark on the game, and on Couture’s groin.