This year has fucking sucked whole buckets of ass. Deaths every which way of anyone you remotely liked, sports have gotten boring because the leagues are getting lazy with how they fix games, it’s the downfall of humanity thanks to the rise of fascist shit heads, and I got put in charge of this stupid blog (part of the aforementioned rise in fascist shit heads). Fortunately it all ends soon!
Unfortunately we probably have a few weeks before the sweet embrace of death and have to watch the Kings play the Vancouver Canucks. I cannot think of a worst way to spend our last few days than having to watch this crap heap of a team play against a middling Kings group. The Canucks outright died in 2011, in the midst of a Stanley Cup Finals series no less. The city pathetically had a tantrum, claimed it to be a riot, and everything caved in on itself from there. The Kings built a coffin and then the Sharks buried them. I don’t know if the Ducks played any part in all of this, though maybe they have a thing for necrophilia.
It’s been a tough slog for the Canucks, and while they did make the playoffs in 2015, it seems like that was a long con by the universe to trick them, the Jets, and the Flames into thinking they were successful and their methodology was working. Clearly, that was not the case. Now the Canucks have committed the worse crime they possibly could.
They are boring.
Sure if you like the Canucks (seek help) maybe it’s fun in a car crash involving old people sort of way. You chuckle with your other Canuckleheads about how bad your team is and that it’s probably going to be that way for the foreseeable future. And it’s that way because you have nothing in your franchise to look forward to. There’s no one on the lineup exciting because the Sedins are slowed down with their hovearounds. There’s no one fun upcoming because Jim Benning is a fucking idiot. There’s only the fun with realizing how bad you are now. And that’s not fun for the rest of us because you suck and are forgettable.
Vancouver is now part of the ranks of boring dick holes with Carolina, New Jersey, and Ottawa. Fucking Ottawa. Except now I have to watch you sorry unwashed taints something like eight hundred times in a year. Fuck you. Go join the Eastern Conference if you wanna be that garbage.
Prediction: Canucks...win? Yes. Probably. More accurately, I’ll fall asleep watching.