You’re gonna do it this time!

There are few things sadder than the Edmonton Oilers. It’s a city/town/hamlet that is perpetually frozen, and they have nothing else there but their dumpy little hockey team that fell ass backwards into having some of the greatest hockey players known decades ago. Naturally, all these players left, because sticking around Edmonton? No thank you. Nowadays they have to pay absurd contracts to giant potato men like Milan Lucic to babysit Captain ProActive Connor McDavid.

Added that this team has been hot garbage for around a decade straight now, and the NHL had to leave Edmonton long behind. Their old arena was too decrepit, the owner lost millions, and the city ultimately gave up on their team. Plus a team in Edmonton? It’s practically the North Pole. The Oilers ultimately folded and finally the derth of young talent that’s been punished by the NHL to play for the sad sack franchise was dispersed to happier, more relevant places.

Wait. No they didn’t. The public wound up footing the bill for a new ridiculous arena and have been watching their shitty team this whole time. They’ve had decent attendance while watching number one draft picks flame out and get sent to other shitty places elsewhere (New Jersey and St. Louis, you’re still an upgrade!) because they couldn’t Make The Oilers Great Again. Probably because landing Wayne Gretzky version 2 is a insane expectation.

And yet you, the city of Edmonton, keep supporting this insanely awful team regardless. You go to games. You buy jerseys of the kids who will try and rejuvenate their once bright careers with other franchises. You paid for a new rink. Shit, Calgary isn’t even that desperate. But you are!

Now it’s all paying off! It’s just you and the Sharks! Maybe the Ducks! The Kings always shit the bed during the regular season! Everyone else sucks! You can do it! Your eighth goalie in three years is now the right goalie! Your current number one overall picks are better than your other first overall picks you sent away for nothing! YOU ARE GONNA DO IT!

And then you will likely get swept in the first round by Anaheim or something embarrassing like that. Ha, remember when that happened to Winnipeg? What a bunch of fucking losers, right? But at least you have a first star award from the media to make you feel better. Way to stick with it. You guys are the best. But you are definitely making it this year!

Next year, eh, probably not.

Prediction: The Oilers continue their march to a fans first star award and win 3-2.