Sharks Gameday: Steve Yzerman, awful boss

When you have to put out a press release saying that you're not going to trade Steve Stamkos and are sick of everyone drooling over your star player, and then add pointed language reminding him and everyone else that they're getting distracted, I'm guessing you don't have the best relationship with your players.

Steve Yzerman got promoted, and then he turned into a fucking asshole of a boss. Seems to be a common transition for former players that join management. Am I talking about Doug Wilson? Yes, that's something I'm comfortable saying.

Here's how Yzerman is pissing off the remaining members of the Lightning roster.

Alex Killorn - Added mandatory 12:00-1:30 PM meetings on Tuesdays and Thursdays to his calendar

Ryan Callahan - Gave a "Satisfactory" on his performance review, but told him that this is actually a good rating because it means he met his expectations

Ondrej Palat - Won't stop calling him "Ondredge" even after being corrected a million times

Tyler Johnson - Made every single parking spot in the shade close to the arena "Parking reserved for members of the Hockey Hall of Fame"

Nikita Kucherov - Required weekly status reports due at 5:00 PM on Friday

Cedric Paquette - Only asks about how his girlfriend is doing, and always asks Cedric to tell her "hi" even though they met only once at the holiday cocktail party last year

Valtteri Fillipula - Always works in a reference to $5 million (Fillpula's salary) in every conversation

J.T. Brown - Makes him take minutes during every meeting

Jonathan Marchessault - Carries around a file folder marked "Marchessault Arbitration Evidence" and makes sure Marchessault sees it

Brian Boyle - Has an ongoing prank where he calls Boyle into his office, informs him he's going to have to waive him, then waves his hands at him. "Your face, everytime! It's hilarious."

Erik Condra - Makes Condra watch as he gets terrible offers in return for him in NHL 16's GM mode

Victor Hedman - Won't stop gushing about the Norris-caliber play of Erik Karlsson

Andrej Sustr - Begins every conversation lately with, "How could Stace have missed that you look exactly like Tilda Swinton?"

Matt Carle - Always makes Carle trade seats with Brian Boyle.

Anton Stralman - Specifically added a clause to his contract prohibiting "Stralman arguments"

Nikita Nesterov - Leaves a tiny bit of coffee in the carafe of the coffee maker but doesn't turn off the warming plate or make a new pot

Slater Koekkoek - Microwaves leftover salmon in the break room, right near his locker stall

Ben Bishop - Added keyed locks to all the bathrooms

Andrei Vasilevskiy - Made him be in charge of the Team Building committee even though he has crippling social anxiety and knows nothing about what his teammates like to do for fun

Sharks @ Lightning

4:30 Pacific

Prediction: Steve Yzerman gives the office staff a 1% raise and cuts their benefits.