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Sharks Gameday: A tale of two asses

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Tomas Hertl is a young Czech hockey player who grew up idolizing his national hero so completely he morphed into his body type.

Tomas Hertl struggles to contain the ass demon that inhabits him and gives him his powers.
Tomas Hertl struggles to contain the ass demon that inhabits him and gives him his powers.
Kelley L Cox-USA TODAY Sports

Jaromir Jagr is known for his mullet, gigantic ass, and being old as fuck but still good. Tomas Hertl is a young player known for idolizing Jagr to the point where he grew a gigantic ass to be just like his hero. Like, ok, you took a picture of you and your girlfriend in homage to a picture of Jagr and some girl he can't remember the name of now, fine.

Hertl and Jagr w/ pitchfork

That's weird, but I don't know what people in the Czech Republic consider appropriate or sexy.

But to not only grow a giant ass, but to harness it's power to augment your skill just like Jaromir Jagr? That's some freaky shit right there. How did he do it? Is there some shady trainer selling designer giant ass enhancing drugs? Is this going to be a scandal? What about all the children who hear about Hertl and Jagr's giant ass powers, and they want to start using these GAEDs!? Think of the children!

On the other hand, Jaromir Jagr is old as shit, and still playing in the NHL at a very high level. Perhaps he's using some dark magic to give him agelessness and skill, but the price he pays is that a demon inhabits his ass cheeks? And Hertl found access to this dark magic and is using it for his own ends? Holy shit, that must be it. They're possessed by goal-scoring ass demons. But at what cost, Tomas and Jaromir? At what cost?

Sharks @ Panthers

4:30 PM Pacific

Prediction: Joe Pavelski must throw Jagr into a volcano and destroy this cursed ass demon forever.