clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Kings Gameday: Make the NHL great again

New, 2 comments

If he can't make it as President, may I suggest a fallback role for Mr. Trump?

uh, k
uh, k
Jerome Miron-USA TODAY Sports

Since I'm writing this while pooping, I naturally began thinking of Donald Trump. This past weekend has been a crazy one for the Trumpster, with his massive rally in Chicago cancelled due to an even more massive protest against him. With this much push back against the guy, I am thinking he might have difficulties making it to the Presidency. Fortunately, I know a job he may be more suited for: Running the NHL!

Sure, the NHL already has a Don that's a loud, hateful, know-it-all xenophobe with Don Cherry. And while I could spend hours talking about Cherry's role in Canada and hockey, let's just focus on Trump. How would things be different with him?

  • Alec Martinez would be deported despite not being Mexican.
  • Jaromir Jagr has to show us his birth certificate to prove he's actually that old.
  • The goal frames will be made out of gold.
  • The salary cap will be abolished. Except in socialist Canada. Free market, baby!
  • Nazem Kadri will be placed in a "watch" database. (Disturbing fact: Kadri and his throat cut gesture got featured on a website called JihadWatch.org, which is about as awful a place as it sounds)
  • A wall will need to be constructed between Canada and the USA to stop the stream of Canadians entering our country trying find success on our hockey teams.
  • Fighting will be taken out of the game, and replaced by players comparing their dicks.
  • All American players in the KHL will be forced to come back. No more taking jobs overseas.
  • Referees will be replaced by police officers.
  • Visiting teams fans are allowed to be beat up by the home team's crowd.
  • Patrick Kane will still be branded as the face of the league.
  • Each arena will sell Trump Steaks.

blackhawks preview

Also, that logo for Chicago will now feature Trump's face instead since it's equally as offensive, cartoonish, and orange.

Prediction: The Blackhawks and the Kings don't play due to protests at the United Center against monarchies.