Since I'm writing this while pooping, I naturally began thinking of Donald Trump. This past weekend has been a crazy one for the Trumpster, with his massive rally in Chicago cancelled due to an even more massive protest against him. With this much push back against the guy, I am thinking he might have difficulties making it to the Presidency. Fortunately, I know a job he may be more suited for: Running the NHL!
Sure, the NHL already has a Don that's a loud, hateful, know-it-all xenophobe with Don Cherry. And while I could spend hours talking about Cherry's role in Canada and hockey, let's just focus on Trump. How would things be different with him?
- Alec Martinez would be deported despite not being Mexican.
- Jaromir Jagr has to show us his birth certificate to prove he's actually that old.
- The goal frames will be made out of gold.
- The salary cap will be abolished. Except in socialist Canada. Free market, baby!
- Nazem Kadri will be placed in a "watch" database. (Disturbing fact: Kadri and his throat cut gesture got featured on a website called JihadWatch.org, which is about as awful a place as it sounds)
- A wall will need to be constructed between Canada and the USA to stop the stream of Canadians entering our country trying find success on our hockey teams.
- Fighting will be taken out of the game, and replaced by players comparing their dicks.
- All American players in the KHL will be forced to come back. No more taking jobs overseas.
- Referees will be replaced by police officers.
- Visiting teams fans are allowed to be beat up by the home team's crowd.
Patrick Kane will still be branded as the face of the league.
- Each arena will sell Trump Steaks.
Also, that logo for Chicago will now feature Trump's face instead since it's equally as offensive, cartoonish, and orange.