If you weren't already stalking me on the internet you may not know that I was in the land of no playoff hockey this past week (and am still here as of this writing). I'm stuck in Calgary because a blizzard decided to finally put the Colorado Avalanche out of its misery and cancelled all connecting flights in Denver. RIP
In an effort to make this stay worth while I decided to run a sting operation out of a Best Western Hotel just like Chris Hansen's "To Catch a Predator" to try to Make Canada Great Again™.
Step 1: The Bait
There is a blizzard in Colorado preventing me from getting back to California from Calgary. What do I do for 2 days in Calgary?— California Gif Kid (@AHockeyFetus) March 23, 2016
IDK know internet child/fetus, what should you do?
Step 2: Finding the Predator
This part is the easiest. They just come out of nowhere in this cesspool of a country. It was only a matter of minutes when one slid into my DMs, and you'll be surprised that it wasn't @atf13atf who is in everyone's DMs.
Pending an arrest and conviction the name and twitter handle of this predator has been withheld.
Step 3: Meet and Confront the Predator
At this point the predator will arrange to meet the unsupervised youth. The human bait will agree and risk abduction.
Step 4: Risk Abduction and Hope the Police Arrest the Predator
Enter vehicle with predator.
Park in dimly lit parking lot with predator.
Follow predator to previously agreed upon location.
Dine with predator and hope the police save you eventually. (Predator identity obscured pending arrest and conviction)
The police were not able to respond in time. I luckily escaped with my life and am able to report that the predator remains at large. Don't get stuck in Canada!
Anaheim Ducks at Ottawa Senators
Saturday, March 26, 2016, 4:00 p.m. PST
Losing Cup Arena – Land of Predators and No Playoffs
The Ducks' young players are abducted by predators.
Today you're listening to: To Catch A Predator – by Insane Clown Posse