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Kings Gameday: BUNNIES

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Eggs are for chumps. Rabbits all day, motherfuckers

Feet and rabbits. Great. More stuff you deviants probably jack off to
Feet and rabbits. Great. More stuff you deviants probably jack off to
Anthony Harvey/Getty Images

Easter is a crazy fucking holiday. Jesus comes back from being dead. The date of which is determined by a full moon (seriously), except it cannot fall on a night of a full moon because then Jesus returns as a werewolf or something. He would then be a beloved a high school student who would surf atop of cars and dunk basketballs with aplomb. But he would not be the savior of man then. It's all in the Bible. Trust me. I went to catholic school.

So after hanging out in a cave for a bit, Jesus decides to come back and chill with his homies. Judas wasn't invited and kills himself. This was also the basis for "Adam's Song" by Blink-182 if I recall. Anyways, the gang decides that since Jesus isn't dead they would go get breakfast. Except they didn't have Del Taco in their neighborhood, so they decided to just load up on sugar.

Jesus, being the ultimate magician, just starts turning everything into chocolate. His bros are totally digging it and cheer him on. Chocolate rocks. Chocolate sand. Chocolate tunics (or whatever they wore back then). The whole gang is so loaded up on sugar someone suggests Jesus turns a rabbit into chocolate. J-Dawg is so caught up in his coco-antics he totally does it.

Despite it being delicious, and subsequently making chocolate rabbits for the rest of the gang, Jesus feels sorta bad about it. Being the Prince of Peace and all. The Apostles decide to then make a company based around chocolate rabbits, but Jesus opts out, forcing the crew to make hollowed out chocolate rabbit shells (a different company came up with the rabbits with filling). Instead Jesus gives rabbits the go-ahead to egg his house once a year as an act of evening things out. So each Easter morning Jesus wakes up, has his morning coffee, and sees that the damn long-ears have pelted his '97 Honda Accord with eggs. He just sighs, and takes it. That's messiah capabilities right there.

Hence the Easter Bunny.

Sure, that's where eggs come up as well, but who's "delivering" those eggs? The rabbits! Nowadays eggs may be all flashy, but the rabbits are actually the show for Easter. They deliver. They're substantial. Sound familiar? It should.

The San Jose Sharks are total Easter Eggs. Flashy, yes. But guess what? You don't want to eat those things. Most now are plastic, and are even worse. Plus, once it's Spring you can't even find em. The only Shark similar to rabbits is Patrick Marleau, because like the chocolate bunny he too is totally gutless.

Rabbits on the other hand are a beloved part of our culture. Bugs Bunny! Fiver from "Watership Down"! Velveteen! That rabbit that talked to Donnie Darko! All those other rabbits you thought were hot you sick sons of-

I digress.

As you can see, rabbits are an integral part of not just Easter, but our culture. Eggs are only good for frittatas. And on Easter they are useless. Remember that when you bite the head off a chocolate bunny.

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Prediction: I slip into a diabetic coma from too many chocolate bunnies and miss the Kings lose 4-1.