Sharks Gameday: I've had a minor stroke, perhaps

Some of the symptoms of having a stroke:

• Numbness
• Fatigue
• Mental confusion
• Sensory confusion
• Inability to understand why we're playing Vancouver again

This can't be right. We just played the Canucks. And I can't quite remember the last time we didn't NOT play the Canucks. Except I do remember something about Joe Thornton getting hard-matched against Anze Kopitar and out-chancing, out-scoring, and out-Corsiing him. Hmm.¹

Since this is all happening in my blood-starved brain, and can't be reality, I'm going to think outside the box here. I can only assume that some new shithead on the Canucks is going to try to injure one of our players, so I'm all for giving DeMelo and Spaling and what the hell Bryan Lerg all the ice-time they want. It's also Black Armor Death Fog night tonight, so I'd really prefer that they play Johan Hedberg in net and hide Jones and Reimer in a salt bunker somewhere, along with all the top 12 forwards, Vlasic and his golden retrievers, and a profoundly sedated Brent Burns. Call it Fan Appreciation night and let 17 or so Alum Rock bros lace it up for the Sharks tonight to get high-sticked by Derek Dorsett and Chris Higgins.

¹In the 5 games against the Kings this year, Thornton is 3G-5A and an average CF% of 68.06. Kopitar is 0G-1A and a CF% of 50.68. Woof.

Canucks @ Sharks

7:30 PM Pacific

Prediction: I chloroform the equipment manager and incinerate all the Black Armor jerseys below the 87 overpass. Then I wake up and have to retrain my brain on simple day-to-day tasks, and we're still playing the goddamn Canucks.