Well playoffs start today, which means it is time we all prepare in the best manner we know and love: Via alcoholism! Sports are an incredible social device. You find unity with people you've never met. You hate people that you've never met with a passion. And you are likely driven to mental and emotional anguish. Thankfully, alcohol is always there to have your back.
The widespread theme of a drinking a ton to drown your sorrows isn't new. Even if your team wins, you're likely getting hammered because you're happy. During the games you drink a ton also, either out of superstitions, "necessity", or boredom because Predators vs Ducks? Yawn.
What I present, is the NHL Stanley Cup guide to playoff drinking.
One drink helps you ease your way in. It's like morning skate warmups. You don't want to dive in head first. That's how injuries happen.
If your team is playing, I suggest an additional drink to help your own nerves.
Add on another drink if it is an elimination game.
Add on another to this if it is a game seven.
Total: 1 to 4 drinks
Hockey is an amazing sport because each period is perfect for consumption of one Cold One.
If it is a blowout, and your team is on the receiving end, best to double that prescription.
If you are on the receiving end of your team blowing their blowout lead, triple that prescription.
If your third line winger with no hands but is a good penalty killer (i.e. Trevor Lewis, Andrew Cogliano, etc) surprisingly scores, you get another drink.
If it is to take the lead or tie the game, make it a double.
If it is a one goal game or tied in the third, you should probably get another drink in you for either celebration, numbing yourself, or, worst of all, preparing for overtime.
Once overtime hits, you just don't stop drinking.
Total: 3 to infinity (depending on overtime)
Did you win? Have a drink!
Did you lose? Have a drink!
Is there another game on afterward? Have a drink!
Have work tomorrow morning? Actually, you should probably stop what is wrong with you?
Total: 1 drink
GRAND TOTAL: Your liver has turned to dust, you are about to die choking on your own vomit, and no one will miss you. You are now free from the curse of sports. We salute you.
Have your own suggestions? Feel free to add them. We all need more reasons to reach that lovely all embracing darkness.