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EXCLUSIVE LEAKED PATRICK MARLEAU EMAILS

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Your problematic fav is back with some hard hitting journalism

YOU WILL NEVER THINK OF HIM THE SAME AGAIN
YOU WILL NEVER THINK OF HIM THE SAME AGAIN
Perry Nelson-USA TODAY Sports

I don't really have much of an update about myself besides the fact that I am alive and well. Let's get straight to the point---I came across some ~juicy~ NHL gossip. I was able to guess Patrick Marleau's email address password (I don't want to give anything away, but the word "Khaki" is definitely part of it) and what I have found was truly disturbing.

Patrick Marleau has been trying to engage with Gary Bettman, essentially since being drafted in 1997, with general comments and questions about the league, the sharks, and well, life.

After 8 seasons of trying to reach Gary by telegram, phone, carrier-pigeon, etc., a teammate introduced Patrick to the world wide web! He was so excited that he was going to ride the information super highway that he bought one of those seatbelt belts that were popular 5 years earlier.

Actual picture of Marleau's crotch while downloading the Mighty Mighty Bosstones' discography off Kazaa

Anyway, the emails. The inbox wasn't really anything special--lots of columbia house records spam and NHL.com merchandise emails about the Kings, Ducks, and RangHEY. What I found to be revealing was the sent box, and well, here it is:

HiPatty2005

HiPatty2006

HiPatty2007

HiPatty2008

HiPatty2009

HiPatty2010

HighPatty2011

HiPatty2012

HiPatty2013

HiPatty2014

HiPatty2015

I thought it was pretty fucked up of the league not to respond to Patrick's inquiries all these years, until, I saw that he finally got a response from Mr. Bettman himsel this v e r y evening!

HiPatty2016

Gameday!

[I am not talking about the game because I am superstitious and playoffs who? But hypothetically I am sure it is nationally broadcasted on a NBC channel and hypothetically it would probably be on at 7:30. Have a nice day.]