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A History by S.J. Sharkspeare

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The following is excerpted from “Game IV, Part I,” a history by S.J. Sharkspeare, as submitted to me by an anonymous NHL mascot.

The only known portrait of S.J. Sharkspeare, aunthenticity unconfirmed
The only known portrait of S.J. Sharkspeare, aunthenticity unconfirmed



O’ Hockey Gods, though rarely do you listen,

The Kings are assholes through their rank and file

And those, merely the ones who aren’t in prison!

You’ve scarcely met a hockey team so vile!

Their goalie screams without his pacifier,

Their captain decorates with his own feces,

Drew Doughty is a holocaust-denier,

And Lucic might just be a different species!

Officials ne’er explain their disappearance

From series with our rivals from across-state,

Ignoring cheap shots and all interference,

Their whistles firmly lodged against their prostates!

So, Hockey Gods, for once please give us luck

And murder Dustin Brown, that dirty fuck!


Enter JOE PAVELSKI, captain of the Sharks, and JOE THORNTON, his alternate.

Ho, Jumbo!  Didst thou notice Kristi there?
In Seto’s number!  Would that she wore mine!
Bret Hedican is far richer than he
Or any IRS forms do declare!

Forsooth, she is yet still a total fox!
Were not all parties ring’d in sacrament,
I surely wouldst employ my smoothest moves.

Restraint!  And thusly hath thou proved that thou
Art less a shitheap than Jeff Carter is!

Not only that!  Lest thou forget, My Friend,
That I have never sported frosted tips!

Enter PATRICK MARLEAU, a center.


Hey Guys, think we’re going to win tonight?

Of course!  For I am feeling saucy, 'Brows!
Tonight I do intend to celebrate
Four goals for beauteous Miss Yamaguchi!

Yeah, she looks great, huh!  If we weren’t both married I—

—Curse thee, Patty!  That joke hath been made.
If thou have naught of wit to add, then go
Make like a cartilag’nous fish, and skate!
Before thou throweth off our spoken meter!


Exit MARLEAU.  BRENT BURNS, a defenseman, approaches.

Twice more at least must we defy these fiends.
Pay ye no mind their cheap douchebaggery!
Beneath our skin they aim to get, but no,
Let nothing stand betwixt us and our goal!
We must not disappoint the fans and chorus!
Let’s kick their fucking ass and win at home!

Fear not!  Put me down for a goal tonight!
Give me the puck and I will not be fazed
For I hath skin thick as a dragon’s scales!
Ye can’t deny that ye were struck with awe
When first your eyes did peep my new tattoo!

Nay, Burnsie, we did not notice thy skin
So blinded were we by thy choice of suit!
Be fierce on special teams, My Friends, and know
Our power play is on top of its shit!
Draw penalties and we will sure prevail!

But lo!  The primal face-off fast approaches!

PAVELSKI and THORNTON skate to center ice.  ANZE KOPITAR, a Kings forward, awaits them.

Egad, Anze!  Thine eyes look tired today!
Couldst thou not sleep at all last night for fear
The whoopéd ass thou wilt receive to-day?

Or was that thou and thy raccoonish ilk
So loudly rummaging my trash last night?

You guys are fuckin’ dorks.

Fuck you!

Whoa, Jumbo!  Keep thy cool, ignore his barbs,
And save thy anger for the rink of battle!
And when the first puck droppeth to the ice,
No quarter shall he find there!


San Jose Sharks @ Los Angeles Kings

19:30 Pacific

Prediction:  I get spoiled before I get home late and the recording is fucked up so I can't watch the game and I cry in frustration.