Nashville Travel Guide

So you're thinking of going to Game 6?

That's a stupid idea. There's some great sight lines at Bridgestone arena, but nothing worth traveling 3,000 miles for in the day and age of HD televsion. Nashville is a nice place to visit when you have more planned than seeing your team choke away yet another 3-2 series lead for the fourth time in as many years, but the game is on a Monday night and you have important shit to do. I could understand if Game 5 had also been here on Saturday and you were spending the whole weekend here, but we know that's not the case, so why are you here? However, let's assume for a second you make bad decisions; well I'm here to help.

Your first step to visiting Nashville

Buy a cowboy hat.

Any will do, they're all hideous.

This will immediately flag you as a tourist, and make you more identifiable to your people. No one actually from Nashville wears cowboy hats for any reason, so this will make you stand out. If you see anyone in a cowboy hat they are assuredly a tourist.

Your second step to visiting Nashville

Buy some cowboy boots.

This won't be hard to do, there's as many boot stores on Broadway as there are bars, and they're typically on a "Buy One Pair, Get Two Pairs Free" deal because Nashville natives can't wait to foist this crap onto suckers who think this is how people from Nashville actually dress. This will also make you stand out as a tourist; possibly one from Texas. They'll wonder why you have on a Ducks jersey instead of a Stars jersey, but won't really question it too much because they're probably slightly buzzed.

Now that you have the outfit it's time to...

Get trashed before the game

Did I mention that Broadway--the same road upon which Bridgestone arena sits--is full of bars? I think most on Broadway are Honky Tonks if you want the ~*TrUe NaShViLLe ExPeRiEnCe*~ of stupid tourist crap, but there are lot of bars and it's really easy to find one not playing country music. (You might want to find a Klan-friendly one though, coming from Anaheim, so you can feel more at home. Just look for a Confederate flag somewhere. I haven't seen any, but there's hundreds of bars and I'm sure one exists.)

Now, here's the point where Blackhawks fans will get blackout drunk and miss the game while lying in the Demonbreun Street gutter, or make it into the arena just in time to puke all over the seats in front of them and pass out there. You're hopefully not Blackhawks fans though, so just get to a nice level of rowdy drunk that you're barely tolerable but also won't miss the game--like a Blues fan.

What about during the game?

Marvel at the chants

Welcome to the South, where college sports are king and silly crowd chants are the norm at sporting events. Nashvillians have adapted this to their hockey. Will you get annoyed by these chants? Probably. Will anyone care? No, fuck you. The chanting is fun and unique and I don't care how mad it makes you. Just sit back and enjoy a crowd of 17k chanting in unison instead of getting mad. Next question.

Is Mike Ribeiro a piece of shit?

Undoubtedly. He's garbage both on and off the ice. We're hoping he's benched for Game 6 and waived in the off-season.

How's the food?

There's plenty of great restaurants around the arena if you don't want to get overpriced food inside, but you can rest at east if you do get food in the arena cause it is delicious. They put a lot of effort into bringing top quality stuff in and you have a lot more variety than some shitty hot dogs, peanuts, and other generic shit you'd expect. Don't you worry about the food, let the food worry about you.

What do I do when the Ducks lose Game 6?

The same thing I do after every game I've attended at Bridgestone, slink out of the arena to the nearest bar and get drunk cause my team just lost. Prepare for the next inevitable loss.

What do I do if the Ducks win Game 6?

Are you serious? You've been following this team the past few years, right?

Okay, well what I do in Nashville after the game?

There's some cool stuff to see like the Ryman Auditorium, and the 1:1 scale replication of the Parthenon, and I guess the Country Music Hall of Fame is kind of cool if you're into that sort of thing. The Gibson factory is probably pretty cool, and Opryland is a thing. Broadway is littered with shitty souvenir shops so you can disappoint your friends and family with horrible gifts. Check out some of the sights; it's actually a pretty cool place. Be sure to keep wearing your cowboy boots and hat at all times, though. That is your tourist badge of honor and you are stuck with it for the remainder of your trip. Dick.

Finally, is Mike Ribeiro still a piece of shit?

Yes. Fuck that guy.

Have fun!

This FanPost was posted by a fan, and it probably sucks and is dumb.

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