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Sharks Gameday: Shea Webber will use Donskoi's spinal column as a toothpick, no call

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Remember how the Kings targeted Joonas Donskoi and Marc-Edouard Vlasic? Expect more of that shit.

This is really funny, but I will not laugh when he does this to Tomas Hertl.
This is really funny, but I will not laugh when he does this to Tomas Hertl.
Victor Decolongon/Getty Images

Ah, the second round! Where legends are made.

Every old hack that gets paid to write about hockey pulled out their Smith-Corona typewriters and began pecking furiously at the keys to produce highly original stories like, "Sharks See Rest, Not Rust in Time Off" and "Nashville Look To Roll Into Game One Without Skipping A Beat." These same stories will be turned on their head depending on the outcome. "Sharks Rust Shows As Predators Continue To Roll On the Road" or "Rested Sharks Jump On Road Weary Predators In Game One."

But here at BoC we know what's really up. This series hinges on whether pieces of shit like Shea Weber and Mike Ribiero pay for their shitiness. Weber pretty much straight up decked Corey Perry in the face in round 1, and has in the past used Henrik Zetterberg's head as a marimba mallet against the boards in the playoffs, all with no call or suspension. This is amusing when it's Drew Doughty's best friend and neighbor Corey Perry, less so with Zetterberg. Corey Perry is apparently sad.

Our good friend Megalodon, who now pretends he doesn't know us, summed up the Ducks loss nicely, by the way.

Too bad the Ducks aren't going to do anything stupid like can their head coach, who got them back playing well enough to win the Pacific after a disastrous start.

Anyway, Ribiero is one of those rare athletes with no redeeming qualities on and off the ice, so you can pretty much guarantee he's going to factor big in this series one way or the other. Will Tommy Wingels separate his shoulder after wiping out on the trail of slime he leaves behind? Or will it be Justin Braun's visceral disgust at touching him or smelling him that leaves him consistently open in the slot?

But Shea Weber is the guy. As a player he's basically Duncan Keith's skill set with Chris Pronger's ability to get away with shit. He could lug a two-handed axe around instead of a stick and only get 2 for roughing. I fully expect him to force Joonas Donskoi into a portable guillotine he constructed out of broken sticks and snot (RIP Joonas), before going full-Misery on Vlasic's legs. He'll get fined $1000 after the game with no additional discipline.

So it's pretty much going to be up to the Sharks power-play to take care of things. It looked good against the Kings and Vezina-nominated goalie Jonathan Quick (PAY the man, Dean--7 more years isn't nearly enough for this quality of goaltending). The Sharks consistently shit their pants when playing good Finnish goaltenders like Pekka Rinne and Tuuka Rask and Count Dooku and Teemu Riihijaarvi and Toomani Doubletters and a couple of weeks of Antti Niemi. But Rinne has been pretty bad this year, and Martin Jones, unlike most of our playoff goaltenders, isn't currently going through an existential crisis, so who the fuck knows?

Predators @ Sharks

7:30 PM Pacific

Prediction: Four words: Shea Has A Chainsaw