Kings Gameday: Right in my analysis

For six months out of the year, we are given a slate of games that are bountiful and diverse. They are also totally, utterly meaningless. The regular season gets the name "regular" because it is uninspiring and helps you shit. Like clockwork, the NHL poops out contests like Minnesota vs Carolina, New Jersey vs Buffalo, Nashville vs Boston, and Canada vs anyone. We have to pretend to take Arizona semi seriously. It's a travesty.

Some will say it is around so that we can figure out who belongs in the playoffs. This is just old systematic lies that the NHL wants you to believe. They could easily put sixteen teams people actually want to see play in a playoff format and no one would have a problem with that at all. Instead you let the regular season interfere and wind up with Calgary vs Vancouver and Montreal vs Ottawa and have hockey fans either falling asleep, putting guns in their mouths, or falling asleep with a gun in their mouth. Just draw up the playoffs with who should be there and lets skip this boring regular season crap.

This last week hasn't mattered at all? Try again. The last six months haven't mattered at all. We are on the verge of the Minnesota-Exit-Showdown with the Stars playing the Wild. We will probably see the Blues and Blackhawks meetup again. There's going to be another Battle of California, guaranteed. Someone has to play Nashville. Canada wasn't invited this year. You really can't draw it up much better than that.

So why bother with the regular season? This is already close to what everyone wants. Division banners? Wow. Cool expensive oversized car flag, bro. Who gets home ice? Who cares? It's a seven game series, everyone's getting some home games in. The only plus side to the regular season is that it's way less stressful. Because those games don't matter.

If you just want to watch hockey, that's cool. I can get behind that. But let's not pretend like these games are anything more than glorified pre-season games. It's just an elongated tryout for players before playoffs start. Except that in the regular season everyone gets hurt. In meaningless games. A total debacle.

You get to the playoffs, and then things are finally exciting. Every game matters. You need to win. You want that big ass trophy to pass around like a dutchie. Meanwhile, the regular season features the Edmonton Oilers for the eighth time in February where you desperately search for meaning in not just hockey, but life now. And for what? Playoff position? Yeah, pretty sure that doesn't matter either. As for getting into the playoffs, just let the league decide that. We can get rid of those mistake years, like 2015. It wasn't cute. It was a waste of time.

The same people that like the regular season are the same ones who like individual awards for players. Who. Fucking. Cares. You shouldn't. It doesn't matter. It never did. "Oh but this way we can decide who the most valuable player is too!"

Gargle my balls. No one rightfully should give a fuck about those sort of awards besides the players, and since this is hockey the players are more concerned with the Stanley Cup. Or so we believe because we have a very weird mindset about our niche sport.

Just get the damn playoffs started so I can drink myself into oblivion, as usual.

Prediction: who fucking cares