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Sharks Gameday: The flora and fauna of playoff beards

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Let's examine the biological wonder of the worlds within worlds of playoff beards.

The quiet majesty of the westrn temperate forest
The quiet majesty of the westrn temperate forest

By the third round of the playoffs, most players beards have reached their zenith. The guys with patchy, thin beards are going to stay patchy and thin. The guys with thick, full ones have attracted a balanced ecosystem of plants and animals. The guys with horrible snakes for beards have gotten used to the snakebites and have given them all nicknames.

But just like California's incredibly diverse microclimates, each player's beard is different.

Thornton's beard, small

Joe Thornton

Bioregion: western temperate woodland

Native species: civet, lichen, crested sparrow (seasonal), bracken fern, dogwood, canyon live oak

Non-native species: tiny family of Mennonite farmers, eastern gray squirrel

Brent Burns beard

Brent Burns

Bioregion: deciduous lowland forest

Native species: catfish, water tupelo, water cypress, snowy egret, water moccassin, flowering lotus, bullfrog, over 14 different cricket species

Non-native species: reticulated ferret, ball python, Jo Paw-velski, common opossum

Logan Couture's beard

Logan Couture

Bioregion: eastern scrub forest

Native species: bur oak, greasegrass, striped salamander, Morgan's horse, hedge apple

Non-native species: glassy-winged sharpshooter, Ed Hardy (seasonal), sage grouse

Joe Pavelski's beard

Joe Pavelksi

Bioregion: northern temperate forest

Native species: woodchuck, pike, red grouse, hornbeam, red maple, mistletoe, northern mayfly

Non-native species: common dormouse, ash borer beetle, jackdaw

David Backes's beard

David Backes

Bioregion: central sewage forest

Native species: hairless mole rats (extinct), carrion beetle (extinct), slime mold, grickle grass, pygmy vulture (extinct)

Non-native species: none

Note: Any fauna that unfortunate enough to venture into this bioregion is quickly consumed by Backes, leading to species collapse.

Blues @ Sharks

6:00 PM Pacific

Prediction: Backes's destructive practices tamper with crucial habitat.

Beard pulling