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I love Winnipeg!

Sure!

NHL: Los Angeles Kings at Winnipeg Jets
putting the “MAN” in Manitoba
Ray Peters-USA TODAY Sports

Hi Winnipeg! How’s it going, pal? You been doing good since we last saw you? Uh-huh...Uh-huh. Okay great now shut up. Here’s the deal, buddy: I need a place to crash for a little while. I don’t care if it’s -50 and the sun never touches your pasty town. I’ll sleep on a couch and be very out of the way for you. I can cook you dinner too! What sort of delicacies do you enjoy? Tater-tots and slushies? Hey, we can do that!

This will be fun! We can watch a better hockey team! The Kings are a hell of a lot more successful than the Jets. Do you own a TV? No? Wifi? No? Dammit Winnipeg, I don’t care about your articulated buses!

I don’t care if your tickets to games are dirt cheap either! You guys are as appetizing as three day old bowls of cereal. Shit, now here’s Dustin Byfuglien clamoring around because of the mention of food. How do you make him go away? Wait, never mind don’t answer that.

What? No! Seriously I do want to live with you guys, Winnipeg! No, it’s not just because Vancouver is ridiculously expensive! I promise! C’mon baby, you’re the only Canadian town I’ve talked to. Just let me in. Please. God let me in before it’s too late. You don’t know how expensive health care is down here!

Ah I knew you would come around. Thanks, Winnipeg. You’re the best. Now how do we get there? Again with the fucking buses?! Christ. You know what, maybe Toronto and I can work something out. And I don’t want to learn French, but you know what so help me I will. Keep your damn buses and slushies. You don’t even have a real NHL arena.

Baby, I’m sorry. I only fight with you cause I love ya. C’mon let me in. I forgot Steve Simmons was in Toronto, and I am terrible with new languages. Please? Don’t make me ask Calgary.

Prediction: I ask Calgary and the Kings lose 5-3 after an empty netter seals it.