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Dying will be a relief

But also really embarrassing

90sFEST Pop Culture And Music Festival
is he doing the heil hitler thing?
Photo by Brad Barket/Getty Images for 90sFEST

As we all hurtle along in our journey to an inevitable demise, there will be some variance. Namely, how you will die. While we all hope for dying surrounded by loved ones, slipping away peacefully, and after having lived a long fulfilling life that’s not gonna happen. No way, it’s going to be far messier and goofier and you will likely be mocked on social media if you somehow make the news.

San Jose especially, because that place is fucking lame already. It’s boring as hell, and only pasty dumb losers reside there. But that’s old news. What will be news will be how you will likely die in San Jose.

  • Homeless/Exposure! California is pretty awesome but our northern brethren have a bit of a housing crisis on their hands. Property is expensive as fuck, and it’s way colder up there. It gets down to like 40 degrees! Blame the tech bubble. Speaking of which...
  • Peter Thiel steals your organs for harvesting! Peter Thiel is a fucking shit heel dick bag who deserves to die. But he won’t because he has way more money than most anyone, and those assholes live forever. Sorta like Mr. Potter in It’s a Wonderful Life. But while he’s not litigating people he doesn’t like into oblivion, he’s coming up with crazy ideas where he can bend/remove all rules on him. Expect at some point for him to poach a kidney, then a lung, and then your brain.
  • Bike party accident! Does San Jose still do these? Probably. Someone’s self-driving car will likely kill hundreds, and you will likely be a statistic only. Congratulations casualty number 25!
  • The sun! Remember how pasty you are? With global warming on the rise, your poor sensitive albino flesh will be roasted like a Costco rotisserie chicken. Peter Thiel is probably reading this adopting a new solution for global hunger.
  • That fat singer from Smash Mouth has had enough of your bread throwing antics! People threw bread at him once and he got really angry.
  • Bored and dying alone so you expedite the process! Again, San Jose is boooooorrrrrriiiiiing. It’s the Irvine of the north, except without the tasty ethnic food from the diverse cultures of Asian influence. And having been in Irvine as a young adult and being bored on countless nights, that shit stretches on forever. You start begging for long workdays and being called in on Saturdays just because it is something to do. Add that on top of the oddly lopsided male to female ratio (it’s a sausage party) and you might just decide to try the new “Peter Thiel Self Harvesting Organ” software.
  • Unwieldy Beards! Thanks to Joe Thornton and Brent Burns making beards cool by appropriating homeless culture, beards are on the rise in America’s most forgettable city. This is a danger that is entirely unavoidable but also hilarious to see in action. Beards getting caught in loose gears! Stuck in car doors! Lit on fire accidentally at whatever lame ass music festival you go to! It doesn’t matter the situation, your face is getting demolished.

Prediction: Your beard gets stuck in the Staples Center escalator and your face gets removed. The removed bearded face will be the Kings’ new logo, but they still lose 4-3.