Dance, cursed goalie, dance! I command you!

The stupid slideshow story slider thing that the NHL has for each team’s website teaches you a lot, though not so much about what’s going on with a particular team.

For example, this is in the first slot on Tampa Bay’s site:

Yes, it’s Midnight Madness on the LEFT COAST as an EASTERN CONFERENCE TEAM goes out of their element and plays in the middle of the goddamn NIGHT. What an unusual setup! There have been franchises in the Pacific Time Zone since the 1960s.

I’ve been volunteering at a non-profit since 2005, and thankfully I’m mostly uninvolved with the unseemly side of fundraising. It’s basically impossible to get enough money from truly altruistic rich people, so there’s a whole gaggle of events that are designed to mildly amuse the 1% in exchange for their cash. It’s basically an entire self-contained system of entertainment for the moneyed class that allows them to have full social calendar while telling themselves that they’re doing it for good causes. And it’s something you have to just accept at this particular moment in time, and for the foreseeable future (especially under a Trump administration that will entirely eliminate social programs). It’s still just fucking stupid and lame when rich people play dress up and congratulate themselves for their generosity.

I love everything about this picture. Everything. Ben Bishop’s derp face while he’s compelled to drop his stick and awkwardly dance against his will by a maddening tune played on a cursed fiddle. Every single person in the crowd. It’s a masterpiece.

Ok, it’s just a dumb branded ad for NHL’s streaming service executed by a bored graphic designer while they thought about something else. But wait, what’s that in the corner?

Hahahaha. Who was responsible for this copy? Why not just say “not available in some countries”? I mean, why call out the Nordic region and not the individual countries? There are only 5 of them. If I lived in Denmark and was a Lightning fan for some reason, what am I supposed to do with this info?

Martin St. Louis and his family watch as the Lightning lower a banner with his name and number on it into a cryogenic deep freeze, like Han Solo in Empire. The frozen banner then demanded a trade to the Rangers.

This is not the first time I’ve seen this story or picture, but it makes me laugh each and every time. The Tampa Bay Lightning are the best franchise in all sports. Oh for sure, man!

Lightning @ Sharks

7:30 PM Pacific when the witches emerge and the bats howl and the darkness obscures unspeakable horrors.

Prediction: Satan’s fiddle returns to haunt Ben Bishop as he’s forced to St. Vitus dance until he collapses, his mind shattered, his save percentage ruined.