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More than you deserve

Just skip this game, post, day, etc

Los Angeles Kings v New Jersey Devils
Even Dwight is all about Alec’s booty
Photo by Elsa/Getty Images

Ah yes. The Hartford Hurricanes. My mistake. Carolina. Hartford is only a city in the great state of Carolina. I get the name change though, as “Whaler” isn’t exactly a beloved profession. But the new logo? Looks like a butthole. The color scheme from the awesome green and blue to red and black? Get in line with the other awful forgettable red and black teams.

Or something like that.

You see...who fucking cares? That’s the way the Hurricanes work. Their franchise was slapped together haphazardly and looks like shit. Their roster is full of players you think you may have heard of. They inexplicably won a Cup.

Why the hell should anyone spend time or money supporting this team, covering this team, or playing against this team. Go see a movie or go out to dinner instead. You will be better served.

So instead of typing up goofy shit after doing some research about this team, here’s some random facts I assume about them instead:

  • The red and black in their logo represents the oppressed minorities of Carolina.
  • They go by Carolina because they don’t know about the other one.
  • They originally had a fourth Staal, “Shoopy”.
  • Their arena is called “Eye of the Storm” because people jab straws into their eyes during games and blood sprays everywhere causing a blood storm.
  • Their goalie is Cam Ward?
  • Instead of a “C” for captain, they wear a “M” for manager.
  • Their manager is Wepp Tootenhawk from Rimrahm, Manitoba.
  • Their coach wears a jersey on the bench, and also a helmet.
  • They are moving to Quebec after Seattle gets an expansion team. Wait, this one is real!

Prediction: Kings lose but I don’t watch because I am at work. Wepp Tootenhawk has a two goal performance.