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2017 is gonna be the best year ever

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Los Angeles Kings v San Jose Sharks
the last thing you see before the world ends
Photo by Rocky W. Widner/NHL/Getty Images

There has not been a year more soul sucking that I can recall than 2016. Sure, personally it was okay for me at points, but largely it was microwaved dog shit. Every person you grew up loving through whatever media they excelled in died, while every person that was a sick evil husk of a ghoul stuffed into an ill-fitting human disguise won shit. Comparatively speaking, 2017 doesn’t have to do much to be considered a better year than its predecessor.

But 2017 is going to do much more than that. 2017 isn’t going to be some year that just drifts though. It’s going to be THE year. There won’t be years after it. Seriously, 2017 is it. There’s nothing left afterwards. It would be remembered forever, except there won’t be anyone around to do the remembering.

There may be some people who think this line of thinking is fatalistic, but I think it’s far more optimistic than anything. Student loan debt? Forgiven! Job stinks? Retirement! Dying alone? We’re all gonna die so it’s sorta like a party!

Humanity has had this coming for a long time, and unlike the Sharks who think they deserve something good to happen to them, we DO deserve complete and utter annihilation. It will be a blessed release into extinction and nothingness. No more bills to pay or gameday posts to come up with. The only real pressing question will be wondering how Game of Thrones ends.

Will the planet be nuked or will some new disease emerge via the permafrost melting due to global warming? Will Donald Trump fire the first bomb, or will he think a nuclear test in like, I don’t know, Australia be a sign of aggression? Sorry mate. Throw some nukes on the bar-bay. Captain Cocoa Banana Brains may do something positive and usher in the apocalypse. In either case, thank god. Finally, the mighty capybara will run the planet.

Sadly, the world will likely not end prior to tonight’s Kings vs Sharks game.

Prediction: Global warming results in all ice melting and hockey is cancelled forever.